


To let myself go

by Silver_Rabbit



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Crying, Depression, Drinking, Drugs, Heartbreak, Letters, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Smoking, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-07-28 17:52:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16246787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver_Rabbit/pseuds/Silver_Rabbit
Summary: Louis couldn't imagine his life without Harry, he's been there all his life, but one day Harry leaves him.Louis is broken but he's trying his best to heal, until he isn't.





	1. The longing

**Author's Note:**

> This can get dark and confusing but everything will become clear at some point. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

If you ask Louis what his earliest memory is, he will think of the bright green eyes on a creature so tiny, that his two-year-old self was surprised could even function. 

He will also think about the warm feeling that he got in the tip of his stomach when this day old baby wrapped his tiny hand around his finger like it was the only thing linking him to this world.

"This is Harry" Anne had told him "you will look after him Louis, won't you?" She asked smiling and Louis nodded without hesitation, his face serious, eyes wide, chest heavy with responsibility.

They lived next door, so it really wasn't a surprise that Louis saw him every day. The tiny creature soon turned into a sweet little boy with dimples and wide green eyes, running around with him, giving him a smile of adoration every time he was up to something mischievous.

Louis could never think of his home without thinking about Harry, without feeling the smell of the grass and sunkissed skin, hearing the careless laughter and seeing green.

***

Louis sat down at the table, looking out of the wide window above it. The unmade bed, to his left side, was still warm from when he just left it seconds ago. There was a pile of dirty clothes in the corner. The room smelled like depression and vodka.

'Fucking Sundays' he thought, bitter that he woke up, bitter that his dream of the familiar smile was already slipping away from his mind.

He took the pen and the paper, placed them on a book, in the middle of the table, and took a deep breath.

"Dear Harry,

I miss you, I miss you to death.

There's certain hunger constantly hovering in my entire body, I'm not always aware of, but it's there all the time, in the background of every little thing I do, the hunger I haven't been able to get rid of since you've been gone.

This is a dangerous feeling, it goes against every instinct in my body to ignore it, but I do, I know I have no way of feeding it, and if I even consider giving into the thought of doing so, it'll open up a door that I'm not strong enough to close.

So instead I sit here, pretending to be alive, pretending to be normal, pretending I don't cry five times every morning before I exhaust myself just trying to get up.

When you left me, I told myself I wouldn't even think about you, that you didn't deserve it, but I lied. You're always on my mind and I carry faded memories of you in my chest like a grenade, and if it kills me, well...

Every day I'm afraid of forgetting you, which is stupid, because it's you, and you've always been here, I'd have better chance of forgetting myself.

But what if someday I won't be able to remember the exact shade of your beautiful eyes, or the way you scrunch your nose when you're annoyed, or the way you run your fingers in my hair making me close my eyes and trust you with my life because you make me feel safe. 

Or I guess you used to. The only thing worse than never feeling safe is feeling it but have it snatch under your feet in a second. You can't miss what you never had, and you can't be disappointed if you never expect, but we still miss and we still expect, even if we lie to ourselves about it.

I don't know what terrifies me more, the thought of never moving past you or the thought of letting you go, because if I lose all that you left me with, I will lose myself and it's not fair.

Haven't I lost too much already?!

So I hold on to the only thing I can, the memories, the pain that I'm scared will be dull someday.

It's like when you have injury, and you hate it, but you get used to touching it and feeling the pain, and after a while when it heals and you push it, it doesn't hurt anymore, and it doesn't quite feel right. Does that makes sense? I don't know, I rarely ever make sense lately.

It's been almost four years since I last saw you, four years of silence and I'm done pretending, at least with myself.

I'm not angry at you, I'm not. Neither am I disappointed.

I don't hate you for what you've done, I don't hold on to stupid, stubborn pride anymore. 

I'm just sad, Harry, and that's the truth.

Sometimes I used to find comfort in a thought that I left you before you left me, which is not true, not really, it's just another illusion I created in my head to pretend like I had any control over it. 

But what if I did Harry? What if I was the one who left you... I can't trust my mind anymore.

You know that few seconds you have in the morning sometimes, when you're not quite awake yet and you don't remember anything but small parts of the irrational dream you had? 

I used to hate these moments, you know I despise to be disoriented and not having control, but this past years it has been relief to have a few seconds of consciousness without remembering how much you destroyed me.

The shittiest part is that I still love you, as much as I want to hate you I can't. 

The guilt I feel for not doing more is eating me alive and doubts in my mind are louder than my own thoughts.

I chew on every conversation we had, every hesitant word you said, everything you did not say, but I should have heard before it was too late and I want to hate you for them but I hate myself instead. I want to be angry and willing to erase you, I want not to care, but you're the biggest part of me and now that you're gone I feel empty, I'm just a shell made of late night thoughts and desperate attempts to be alive.

You know I've never been strong, not when it came to you, and you always knew it, that's why you could make me do anything you wanted when we were kids. You didn't do it much after, maybe it made you feel guilty, I love to think that it's because I got used to you and developed some kind of resistance, but we both know that's another lie.

You are, and will always be in my heart.

\- Love, Louis"

Louis folds the letter, feeling it's weight for a few seconds, running his fingertips on the surface, finding comfort in the texture of the beige paper. 

He puts it in the envelope, imagining Harry touching it, opening it, reading it. He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

He opens one of the drawers of the table, taking out red wooden box, putting the letter inside, next to the dozens of others.

Maybe someday he'll be able to tell Harry himself.

Maybe someday. 

But today is not that day.

The sky outside is gray, if Louis' clock on the wall didn't show 6:53 pm he would be unable to tell what time it was. It's one of these weathers that just make your mood shitty no matter what.

Good, Louis though, let them all be miserable, let them all know, even for a second what he feels like. He wishes others' pain would bring relief, but it doesn't.

He should be done with searching for relief anyway, false hope does him nothing good. If he finds it even in something small it fades away before he can grip into it, nothing ever stays.

He vaguely remembers the day from eight years ago, when he was fifteen. Louis had gotten into an accident few days prior, he had broken his hand. 

They were laying on the grass in Louis' back yard, just talking like they always did.

"What do you think is the strongest feeling?" Louis had asked.

"Relief" Harry answered in a heartbeat, meeting Louis' gaze "when your mom told me you got into accident my world collapsed" Harry whispered like it was a secret, frowning at the memory "but when I heard you were alright I completely lost my shit, so no doubt there, for me relief is the strongest feeling" Harry said, he cuddled up to Louis' side, burying his face in his neck, breathing in his scent. "Please don't ever scare me like that Lou" he said, his tone fragile and sad.

"I'll try my best Hazza" Louis answered kissing his temple and wrappings his arm around the younger boy.

He hissed at the memory, like it was a salt in a wound, he really cared, didn't he?

How ironic that in the end he was the one who destroyed Louis, he was the one who left.

 

Louis went to the kitchen, he pulled out a glass and poured vodka from the bottle that's been sitting on the table for two days. He opened the fridge and pulled out half a lemon that was almost fully shrank and squeezed it into the drink, not bothering to cut it. When he was satisfied, he went back to his room, sat at the table, lighting up a cigarette and looking out of the window.

It started to rain. Nothing unusual for October. Or London.

There was four missed calls and three voicemails on his phone he's been saving for the time when he had at least some amount of alcohol in his system.

He pressed the first one.

"Hey Louis" it was Mike, his co-worker. "I just wanted to remind you, we have the meeting tomorrow at 11:30, we're meeting with the new author, so you have to be there, have you read the book yet? It's really good! Anyways, I hope you're good, enjoy what's left of the weekend, take care of yourself." 

Mike was something that would be considered a work friend, he constantly checked in on Louis and invited him out, made sure he didn't majorly fuck up at work, it was nice but sometimes annoying. Why did he care anyway, Louis has never been a friend to him.

Louis took a heavy breath and sipped some more of his vodka, numb to the taste by now, not even flinching. Next two voicemails were from his mom.

"Hey, how are you sweetie" her careful voice made his heart sink. "We're all good here, I've been wanting to ask you when are you coming to visit, it's been months" there was pause and sigh "call me back when you can darling we haven't talked in a while." 

Two days, they haven't talked for two days...

The next one was six hours later and recent.

"Louis, it's me again" pause, sigh. "you haven't called back, I know it's Sunday and you love your morning sleep but I'm getting a little bit worried, please call me back as soon as possible. I love you."

Louis groaned.

couldn't everyone just leave him the fuck alone? He just didn't want to talk to anyone, was that too hard to understand?! He just wanted to drink until he passed out, reach for the numbness over and over again until he couldn't feel anything.

***

Louis was 19 and he was angry.

Angry at his boss for overworking him, angry at his mom constantly nagging him to come visit when she knew he couldn't, angry at himself for having this stupid feelings for his childhood best friend that he just couldn't get over for years. He was stressed from the first year of university, missed home, missed his family, missed Harry, missed his life.

Finally, July came and he could be home for two months. Even though the heat was unbearable more days than not, he felt relaxed, the only thing bothering him now was Harry.

After spending a year apart, his friendship with Harry seemed to have changed. They've never been apart this long since Harry was born seventeen years ago and despite talking almost every day, physical distance had put it's Mark on their friendship.

Harry seemed different, instead of the sweet boy who always talked and smiled he turned into secretive, distant person Louis could barely recognize, he was hesitant in the way he moved or talked, seemed more insecure and sad. He was also rougher somehow, lost his patience easily, his eyes were more cloudy and his gaze more heavy.

"Harry what's wrong?" 

They were in Harry's room, Louis was laying on his bed, his limbs everywhere, while Harry set on the floor with his knees close to his chest, he was unusually silent.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked slower than usual, his voice monotonous. 

"I've been back for two days and you've barely said anything to me, what is it H, are you mad at me or something?"

"I'm just tired I guess... This year has been stressful, with school and you moving away." He said not meeting Louis eyes, he rarely ever did these days. "But I'm fine, really."

"It's just one more year and you can move to London with me, and everything will go back to normal, don't stress yourself out too much, okay?"

"Yeah, you're right" Harry smiled at him sadly.

Maybe that's when Louis should have noticed that something wasn't right.

Maybe he should have talked to him more about it, maybe he should have hugged him and held him before he felt alright, making him feel how loved he was.

But he did non of that that summer, too insecure by his own unrequited feelings to even sit too close to him, trying to move on, not wanting to ruin their lifelong friendship, too consumed by his problems to be alarmed by how quiet and sad Harry had become.

***

Harry was the kind of kid who made people stop walking and come up to him, he was just so cute with his curls, dimples and big green eyes. Louis would always smile, full of pride, he knew how special his boy was.

Harry was always Louis' boy, and everyone knew that, but it wasn't as easy, when they were no longer small children. Years passed and suddenly things started to change.

Harry was so pretty and charming, it always made Louis feel some type of way, first it was pride and adoration, but as time went by it became something more nagging and alarming, Louis would never admit but deep down he knew what it was - jealousy. He was older and noticed more than Harry did, every girl in their grade had a crush on Harry and it drove Louis crazy.

He learned to hide his feelings in the dark corner of his brain, trying to program himself not to think about the look Harry only ever gives him, not to read anything into it. He made himself ignore butterflies in his stomach every time his best friend touched him, made his knees stay strong and breathing - even.

***

The last day before Louis had to return to London, they had a fight, he doesn't even remember what it was about, he just thought that Harry acted exactly like he did as a child - upset that he was leaving and just looked for a petty fight to justify his feelings.

He hugged Harry before leaving, even though technically they were still fighting. Harry was clearly upset, but he didn't say a word as he watched Louis leave with tears in his eyes, unspoken words lingering on his lips and his eyes begging him to stay 

That was the last time he saw Harry.

Till this day Louis couldn't forgive himself that he didn't stay, didn't ask, didn't give Harry the help that he needed. 

He was begging for Louis to save him and he just walked away, he thought he would handle it next time. He broke his promise to protect and look after him and he broke himself in the process.

Two months later he got a call from Anne, Harry's mom. He was walking down the street, going home from library.

"Hello" he answered with question in his tone. Their families were close, but Anne never really called him.

"Louis!" He stopped instantly when he heard her panicked voice. His heart picking up a pace, making it hard to breathe. "Is Harry with you?"  
His vision went dark, Harry had barely texted him for the past couple months, and when he did it was short answers to Louis' texts. He told himself that Harry needed some space, that it wasn't a big deal.

"No? Should he be? W-what's happening?" His chest felt like it would bust open any second now and he closed his eyes, trying to not give into panic, breathing in October's cold air.

"We can't find him, he's been gone for more than a day, he left his phone and everything here, I don't know what to do" she took a sharp breath "I thought maybe... Maybe he would come to you... He was upset, we fought last time I saw him, he's changed Louis, he's always angry or sad, he's not telling us anything anymore. I don't know what to do." She sobbed.

"Calm down Anne, please, maybe he's at a friend's house or something?" 

"No... I've tried everyone I knew, called all of his contact list, you were the last hope... I didn't want to worry you" She took a sharp breath and whispered "I think I should call the police."

"Yeah, Anne, call the police, please tell me if you find him, I'll try to come as soon as I can, okay? I'll come tomorrow, it's gonna be fine." Anne didn't say anything but she let out a breath of relief, like Louis being there would make everything better. 

Louis didn't care about the job, or university or anything, really, he needed to go and find his boy, he'd be fine, he was just having a bad period, he'd be fine.

Louis barely managed to get inside his flat before breaking down, his back hit the door as he put his head on his knees, whimpering, feeling useless and helpless, blaming himself for not reaching out more, not trying more. His head was filled with possibilities, one worse than the other.

He shook his head, Harry would be fine, he couldn't not be. He would go first thing in the morning, find him and bring him home.

When he managed to pull himself off the floor he called his boss who told him to take whatever time he needed, when he told her he had a family emergency. Her tone was concerned, maybe he sounded as wrecked as he felt.

Louis packed his things in a suitcase and opened a fridge to eat, he felt like he would throw up but he needed energy. When he was done it was 11:06 pm, he was pacing back and forth, checking his phone. At 11:14 he decided he needed to go now, he couldn't wait a second more, so he made sure he was as calm as he could and started to drive home.

Three and a half hours later he was knocking on the painfully familiar door. desperate the late hour, there was a light in the window. The door opened and he saw the face of his tired mother, her eyes were watery and red rimmed.

"Lou, you're here." She said with a low voice, frowning her eyebrows, unable to put all the worry, anxiety and frustration into the words.

Louis wrapped his arms around her, petting her back gently, making her finally relax and cry.

Soon there was another small silhouette in the doorway, Anne, she wrapped her skinny arms around them.

He held two women in his arms before they calmed down a little, whispering comforting things and promises he might not have been able to keep.

He spent ten months at home, not caring that he'd have to repeat the year at school, that he almost lost his job, they searched and searched every corner of a small town, Harry was nowhere to be found, he disappeared like he never even existed.

It was end of the May when his world finally broke.  
He, Jay and Anne were having a tea, as they did every evening, talking about the plans for the next day.

The call of Anne's phone sounded ominous, even more than any other call they got that made their breathing stop. 

"Hello" Anne answered with a shaky voice. "Yes this is she." The voice spoke something from the other end of the line, making Anne's face fall "oh" she said and it sounded hysterical, sounded desperate, sounded like a plea and Louis digged his nails in his palms, holding his breath, trying to stay strong for her, for his mom, for Harry, if he let the spinning in his head and numbness in his entire body overtake he would die. 

So he held on a little bit longer, not sure if he wanted to know what the other person was saying or if he wanted to be stuck in this moment forever just to avoid feeling the pain Anne's next words would bring.

Anne hang up the phone. She wasn't moving or making any noise the only indication of life was her breathing, it sounded like she was choking on air, like she couldn't make her lungs absorb oxygen. 

"He um...." Her voice broke "they" tears dropped from her eyes. "They found the body" 

They found the body.

The body.

Seventeen years of memories, tender touches, dimpled grins, perfect moments was just a body now. Was just a dead thing.

Suddenly he saw teared up boy, looking at him leave. That was the last time he saw Harry. The last time ever.

A sharp pain started in Louis' heart and exploded in milliseconds filling his every cell with poison, making his body collapse, squeezing his eyes shut.

'please be a nightmare, please be a nightmare, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up' the voice was screaming in his head.

He wanted to scream but it seemed pointless, this kind of pain wouldn't be healed by screaming. There was no way of making it go away, it was permanent. His vision darkened as he felt the cold floor collide with his cheek, making the world stop.

Suicide, they said.

He must have walked 18 hours to get two towns over, get in the woods and shot himself in the head.

All they found on him was drugs, wallet and the gun. No note, no nothing.

He's been laying there, in the dirt for nine and a half months.

Every day that Louis spent searching for him, he's been already dead.

Dead.

Gone.

Suicide.

The night of the funeral Louis walks 18 hours to get two towns over, get in the woods and find the place where they said they found him. No wonder it took them this long, the place was hidden from the main path, surrounded with huge rocks and trees.

The afternoon sun was coming through the leafs, making air look green.

Green.

Louis wondered if it was night, when Harry sat here, in pain so consuming that he didn't want to exist anymore.

Wondered if maybe he couldn't see the light, or how beautiful it could be when it paints the air green..

There was a blood on the rock, that had become a part of it months ago, Louis ran his hand on it gently, then did it again, and again more roughly, till his hand bleed. Accepting light burn off his palm as a punishment. It was still nothing compared to the intense way his entire body and soul hurt. 

He screamed, hollow echo of the sound filling his ears. Then he screamed louder at the top of his lungs until he couldn't breathe.

There is no one to hear him.

No one heard Harry either.

He sank down, his back hitting the rocks, buried his face in his hands as hot tears burnt his cheeks.

No one could see him.

No one could hear him.

No one could take the pain away.

No one could save him.

He wondered if maybe that's how Harry felt when he did it. Or maybe that's how Harry felt long before he did it.

He sat there for hours talking to Harry, or himself, trying to figure out why would he leave like that, like he didn't care about the pain he would cause, like he didn't know when he pulled the trigger that his life wasn't the only one he'd be taking.

The next afternoon his mother found him sitting in the exact same spot where Harry took his life.

She wrapped her arms around him and set with him till he cried, sobbed and whimpered like it would make a fucking difference, like it would change his mind, like it would bring him back.

He does really remembered next three months. It was mostly a blur, cigarette smoke mixed with pain and tears on his bed sheets.

Then came the numbness.

He went back to London. Air at home was too thick with memories not to scratch his throat every time he breathed in.

So one day in August he packed his things, said goodbye to his family and Anne and just drove away.

He didn't feel anything but the heavy pressure in his chest, already too familiar to notice. He felt empty, he felt like a shell, like he was barely tolerating being alive.

 

He tried going back to work and university again.

Tried to make every second of his life busy, not giving himself time to think or acknowledge anything around him, because every time he did, reality hit him with endless waves of pain.

He got lost in the routine, enough to make him forget himself, his life, everything. 

The green eyes only came back to him at night, at sleep, filled with tears, pain and disappointment. Sometimes - love and adoration, sometimes - fear and helplessness.

The only time he visited home was on Christmas, one week a year was as much as he could handle, he was drunk most of the visit anyway. 

He was drunk most of the time anyway.

The hurricane came exactly three years after he found out Harry was dead. 

It was an anniversary of sort.

He hadn't been able to sleep more than an hour every two days since the exams finished a week ago.

Every time he closed his eyes there was a green eyed boy, asking why he left, asking why didn't he care enough, screaming at him with frustration.

or there was a green eyed baby gropings his finger with a tiny hand, and as soon as his two year old self promised Anne to look after Harry, everything shuttered.

The guilt was nothing new. It was more rare than anger, and much less than numbness but sometimes it would keep him up until he was exhausted enough to pass out.

Going so long without sleep was physically painful, his eyes and head hurt, everything was spinning, he couldn't focus his vision.

He was out of alcohol so he got up and went to already very familiar bar at the corner of the street. It was Friday, he barely managed to find a place to sit and when he did he ordered triple whiskey, avoiding judgmental glances, pouring it down his throat in a second, repeating the order.

There were voices in his head. Voices, that made his existence excruciating, they would talk and talk, reminding him of everything he did wrong, everything he didn't do, reminding him it was all his fault.

He usually ignored or fought them but he was too exhausted, too malnourished, too drunk to do anything. He got up from his chair, wanting to get away from people when at the exit someone bumped into him.

"watch where the fuck you're going loser" the guy said and before Louis could realize anything the guy was on the ground holding his cheek where Louis' punch had just landed.

The guy got up, his face was red and furious. He hit him once, then twice, before Louis' face collided with concrete.

He didn't fight back, didn't get up, he just laid there, feeling alive for the first time in years, welcoming the pain with a smile.

He woke up in the hospital two days later, with broken bones and his mother by his side.

Voices were gone.

***

Louis picked up his phone and was about to call Jay when the phone in his hand started vibrating.

"I was just calling you" Louis said.

"Have you any idea how worried I was! Why can't you ever just pick up your bloody phone?" Her voice was loud and mentoring, like the way she used to talked to him when he misbehaved as a child.

"I'm sorry, I've been busy." Jay took a deep breath to calm herself.

"How have you been, love?" She asked. Her tone suddenly calm.

"As usual, I have work and uni, I just finished midterms three days ago, they went well."

"That's great!"

"Yeah I can't believe I only have half semester left." He said, trying to fake excitement. "How have you been? How are kids?"

"I'm well, so are kids, fizzy got a boyfriend, can you believe that?"

"Isn't she like 10?"

"Louis! She's 15" Jay laughed, it was a nice sound. 

"Not the point, what is she doing with a boyfriend." He didn't talk to his sisters much in the last three years, they would call every now and then and so did he but it wasn't even close to how things used to be.

"Let her be, love, she'll figure it out herself."

"I'm gonna let it slide for now." Louis said, still not amused by the idea.

"So when do you think you can visit?"

"I don't think I can make it till Christmas."

"You're killing me, everybody misses you so much!"

"I miss everyone too, it's just two months and I'll be there okay?"

"Ugh, alright!"

"Okay I gotta go now, I have a meeting to prepare for."

"Alright love, take care of yourself."

"Love you Mom, bye."

"Bye."

Louis hang up and sighed, wondering if 8 pm was too early to go to sleep, he felt exhausted.

The thing was that as much as sometimes he couldn't sleep for weeks, other days all he did was sleep, for the past few days he's been sleeping 12-16 hours a day and he was truly grateful.

Sleep took away the pain, made him forget everything. Excited to get away from reality, he laid down and closed his eyes.

***

"Dear Harry,

I was never any good at holding my breath as a child, you would always win when we played underwater.

It's funny how things change because it feels like I've been holding my breath for years now.

Doesn't matter what my instincts tell me, doesn't matter that my head and lungs feel like they're on fire. 

I'm not ready to die yet. So I hold my breath.

I wonder why all of the love you had didn't make any difference.

See, I want to die. 

I want to die but I don't want to die.

I don't want to hurt my family the way you hurt yours, I don't want all the memories of you to die with me, cause now it feels like I'm keeping you alive somehow, deep inside of me.

I just miss your smell, the softness of your skin, the smile you broke into no matter how mad you were every time I poked your dimples.

I miss creating new memories with you, miss getting to learn new things about you every day even though I spent all your life with you. I can't believe I'll never get to see you again.

Now that I've seen what life is like without you, if I had a chance I'd sell my soul to have you back, I would.

 

Why the fuck does it matter, no way hell can be as bad as this.

I'd tell you everything I couldn't back then.

Last night I dreamed about you. Dreamed about the day we kissed.

You were twelve and I was fourteen, we were so young and clueless. We were in my room and you were upset, when I asked you what was wrong, you said boys at school were teasing you because you've never kissed anyone, I asked if I could kiss you, you smiled and nodded. 

Your lips were electrifying and your tongue felt like heaven sliding up to mine.

You thought I did it out of pity but I did it because I was in love with you , even before I knew what it was.

What you didn't know is, it was my first kiss too, we were so innocent back then, so young and pure minded, it meant so much, every touch, every smile, every word.

Now it's all so faded. 

Meaningless.

Vain.

 

Unfamiliar bodies lost in the heat, just to feel, to forget, to get lost, to get off, whatever the fucking reason... but I would rather have that one kiss for the rest of my life than anything I've had after.

I'm in love with you, and it took me forever to accept but it's too late now.

It's been too late for a long time.

Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't in love with you, would you still be alive?

Not having all the feelings, doubts and insecurities, would I have been able to help you? Be closer to you? Give you the brotherly love you needed? 

Is it all my fault?

Does it matter?"

Louis put the letter in the box, looking up to prevent tears from falling down, unsuccessfully.

***

After the last letter, sleepless nights came back.

It wasn't like Louis couldn't sleep, he just wouldn't.

It was one of the ways his mind liked to tortured him, keeping him high from the pain. He just wouldn't close his eyes no matter how painful it got.

He called in sick to work, unable to get out of the flat. He had already finished his exams so he could properly give into his suffering.

He looked in the mirror, observing his reflection.

His hair was long and messy, he hasn't bothered to cut it for months now. He touched dark skin under his eyes, he looked like shit, he has gotten so thin lately, he was just skin and bones. 

He pulled up his shirt and traced huge bruise on his side with his fingertips. It would fade soon, it almost didn't hurt anymore.

After the bar fight last year he developed an addiction to pain, he noticed that when he was in pain voices went away. He did everything he could to make them leave, being close to dying was the only thing that made him feel alive. He got into drunk fights almost every week.

Lately he started going to cemeteries all the time, it made him feel better. It was so quiet there, death all around him, watching people cry over their loved ones made him remember why he was still alive, why he couldn't just end it.

It has been 94 hours since he slept. 94 hours and counting. Was it possible to die from sleep deprivation? 

December's freezing air cut to his bones, making him shiver. He started walking in circles in the small living room, he wanted to drink but if he did he'd fall asleep. He couldn't fall asleep.

He couldn't focus his eyes, everything was vibrating, his brain was asking for a relief, asking to shut down, he felt pressure in his entire body, he got dizzy from walking and dropped on the floor, welcoming the way his bruise hurt after falling down.

Seconds. It lasts seconds. It's never enough. He pinched his arm till it bruised, it would have to do for now.

He closed his eyes.

'Don't close your eyes Louis, open your eyes.' the voice said.

'open your eyes Louis.'

 

The doorbell startled him and he opened his eyes.

He had almost forgotten the sound of it, too lost in his head to be aware of the world outside of it.

Lost in the head.

In the head.

Lost.

Doorbell, right, someone's at the door.

He opened the door without looking, not caring if death was on the other side.

He smiled. Too exhausted to react any other way or to ask anything.

Harry. Harry's here. Hazza.

He was different, taller than him, his jaw was more prominent, he had same green eyes, same hint of dimples on his cheeks, his hair was shorter. Beautiful, he's breathtaking.

His expression was hesitant, concentrated and nervous, his lips parted, not knowing what to say.

"Finally" Louis said smiling, letting him in. "Come in Hazza, I've been waiting for so long." He said stepping aside.

Harry walks in hesitantly, confused look on his face.

"Come on, sit, love" Louis said, not breaking his smile. "I missed you."

Harry sits awkwardly on the couch. His face confused and filled with empathy, even pity maybe.

"Don't look at me like that" Louis said frowning, suddenly angry. "You don't get to leave me and then look at me like I'm some kind of crazy bum."

"I'm sorry... I knew you weren't doing so well but I didn't think it was this bad." Harry almost whispered, biting his lower lip nervously.

"I'm great H, don't worry about me, I'm gonna be just fine." Louis said with a sad smile, trying to convince both, Harry and himself.

Harry stared at him for a while, observing him closely, silently examining every part, not even slightly moving.

Louis followed the movement of his eyes with his own, trying not to do anything to make him disappear again, not without telling him everything first.

"Did you know I was in love with you?" Louis said with a smile of adoration, like it was the easiest thing in the world, and maybe it was.

 

"What?" Harry's eyes went wide.

 

"So that's a no. I've just been thinking all these years about all the things I never got to tell you, so why not start from the important one. I suspect you already knew I didn't like your lasagna. But god, do I wish I could taste it again." Louis said with dreamy eyes.

"How long have you been in love with me?" Harry asked with his voice calm and low.

"Long before I knew, I think always, yeah let's go with always. It's okay, I know you never loved me like that, it's fine, but sometimes I think that maybe you did. It's hard to trust your memories, they always change." Louis shook his head frowning.

"Louis I have been in love with you since I was eleven."

"That's great." Louis said tears falling down his eyes, still smiling sadly.

"How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"Everybody thinks I'm dead." Louis chuckled.

"Oh, I'm dead." Louis said suddenly, covering his mouth with his hand. "It makes sense."

"Louis, are you..." He frowned his eyebrows, carefully observing him "are you high?"

"High, high, high" Louis said laughing.

"Louis did you take something?"

"No silly, I'm dead. So 95 hours is all it takes then... Well, can't say I'm disappointed, had I known I would get to speak to you again I would have killed myself years ago." 

"Louis you're not dead, and neither am I." Harry said frustrated, getting up, he put his hands on Louis shoulders to make eye contact. Louis gasped and flinched away.

"I can... I can touch you?" His eyes were wide. "Can I... kiss you?" He said, not waiting for an answer he wrapped his arms around Harry's neck and pulled him down, slamming their lips together.

'it feels so real, so real!' Louis thought deepening the kiss. Harry kissed him back, but after a few minutes he gently pushed him away.

"Louis no, not like this." Louis looked taken aback "you're not thinking clearly. What is wrong with you?" His voice was filled with curiosity.

"I haven't slept in a few days."

"Lou..." Harry said, not knowing what to do. "You should sleep, we can talk later." He gently brushed hair away from Louis' face and pulled him into a hug.

"But if I sleep you'll disappear." Louis whispered slowly, his voice braking. A few tears fell down his cheeks, wetting Harry's shirt. Harry cupped his face to look him in the eyes.

"I'll be right here when you wake up, I promise, I'll explain everything" he said placing a kiss on Louis' lips to reassure him.

Louis put his head back on Harry's chest.

"I remembered your smell correctly" Louis smiled, absolutely calm now, closing his eyes and losing himself in the warmth of the familiar body.


	2. All that we're left with

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I hope, every question you had will be answered.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

The only thing Louis' body could register, after he cracked his eyes open, was stripes of light slipping from the corners of the curtains.

He rubbed his eyes and groaned, it felt like he had slept forever. He reached for his phone to check the time it was Saturday, 8:26 am, he tried to remember what day he went to sleep but he couldn't.

His mouth was dry so he lazily pushed the sheets back and got up. he drank water so fast that it hurt his throat, it didn't matter, he was numb to the pain already. He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and shower. 

He felt well rested and a little disoriented. He closed his eyes and let the hot water run down his body, making his skin softer. He dried himself and got dressed.

Louis walked into the living room to watch TV, he was about to look for the remote when he noticed a body laying on the couch.

His first reaction was panic, he tried to remember if he brought someone home but why would they be sleeping on a couch, and he didn't even go out.

Then it hit him.

But it was a dream, or hallucination from sleep deprivation, there is no way.

Not wanting to give himself false hope, he questioned his memories, examining every small detail.

He was frozen, staring. He noticed short curls sticking out from under the comforter.

He felt oddly calm, the only thing out of the ordinary was his heart beating like crazy.

He sat down on the chair next to the couch. It was Harry. His Harry. 

His mind wasn't really processing it. He was laying on his stomach, his cheek pressed to the pillow, his mouth slightly open. He was there, face relaxed, breathing softly.

Louis stared at him, carefully observing details of his face. If it was a dream it sure was damn good detailed one, there was no way Louis' mind could make all this up, was there?

Then again, you can walk on the ceiling in dream and it would seem perfectly normal. What was reality, anyway... Louis doesn't need it if he can have his boy back.

Louis carefully raised his hand, slowly pressing it to Harry's cheek, where his dimple should be and suddenly Harry reflexively smiled in sleep, making Louis' finger gently sink deeper into his skin.

Louis flinched back, making chair fall down with him. The noise awoke Harry, his eyes were open, wide and tense, searching for the source of the loud bang.

His gaze landed on Louis and he was about to smile but stopped halfway, frowning in confusion.

Louis was still sitting on the floor where he fell, looking at the younger boy with wide eyes and mouth agape, frozen, not even daring to breathe.

"Louis, calm down" he said slowly. Harry's tone was soothing so Louis relaxed on instinct. He sat up carefully, keeping three meters of distance between them.

"Have I finally lost it then? I went crazy, didn't I?" He asked slowly.

"No Lou, you're not crazy" Harry said annoyed and frustrated "you're not hallucinating, you're not dead, I'm not a ghost, or alien, or whatever else... I'm alive and here, flesh and blood, please calm down, just sit and let me explain." Harry stepped in his direction and he stepped back.

Louis looked at him with doubtful eyes, Harry looked hurt by it, the fucking nerve, Louis thought.

"I don't understand" Louis said, still staring at Harry's face. "There was a body" he concentrated on the memories he usually tried to avoid.

"you killed yourself, you're dead... you're dead, you're..."

"HERE, is what I am Lou, I'm here, do I look dead to you?" Louis studied him closely, there he was, standing in the middle of the living room, beautiful as ever, green eyes wide with vulnerability.

"I'm not sure." Louis whispered, his face twisted with uncertainty.

"How can you not be sure?" Harry asked confused. "I'm right in front of you."

Louis paused and looked down, playing with the sleeve of his jumper for a few seconds, then he looked back up at Harry.

"I don't trust my mind very much these days... Years to be more precise." Louis sighed, still lost. "How are you here? I don't understand... If you were alive, where have you been all this time, why would you condemn us to this horrible torture?" Louis cried.

"Just sit and I'll explain everything, I swear Lou." Harry's voice was softer, like he was talking to a child.

"Okay" he sat on the couch, when Harry was about to sit next to him he said "Don't! Please sit over there." He said pointing at the chair

"Okay" Harry said, saddness in his voice "I guess I deserve it."

"I don't know where to start... Okay"  
Harry rubbed the bride of his nose, concentrating.  
"So the year that you moved away was really fucked up" he was looking into Louis eyes, observing his face carefully. "I didn't know what to do with myself, I was stressed, tired, lonely... I didn't really have friends besides you... Then people at school found out that I'm gay and well... you know how they are." Harry looked down, his expression despondent "so it got even harder, I didn't have anyone to talk to and you weren't here, and I knew you couldn't put your future on hold for me so it really wasn't fair of me to depend on you that much."

"You could have still talked to me H, I was always here for you!" Louis said, hurt.

"But I couldn't Lou, I was anxious to come out to you... It was really hard for me to accept myself." 

Louis nodded sadly, encouraging Harry to continue.

"Then I met this guy Ryan, he was an outcast, like me, so we became friends quickly, he's family was rich and he was kind of a rebel, of course he wasn't you but somehow he reminded me of you." Louis heart was heavy with regret, turns out he let Harry down more than he knew. "we would smoke weed sometimes and it was fine but then we started hanging out more and went out to parties and sometimes it got too crazy, then somehow he got me into heavier stuff, well I got myself there, I should have said no, but I was insecure, bullied gay kid, I felt so sad and lonely, I didn't want to lose my only friend and I wanted others to like me so I did it, and then I did it again." Louis was looking at him now, really looking at him, with his brows frowned in concentration and shock on his face.

Of course he thought about it, they said they found couple of pretty heavy drugs in the pocket of the body but confirming it was painful in a whole new way.

"It was just fun at first, forgetting, letting go of the stress, partying, getting to know people, but then I wanted more and more and suddenly before I knew it, it was never enough and I was high more often than not... I just didn't want to be sober, it was painful in the whole new way." Harry finally dared to look Louis in the eyes, his gaze was heavy with pain and remorse. 

"It was April I think, when Ryan's parents found out about drugs, but not about me though, they sent him into rehab, so not only was I out of drugs, but I lost my only friend. Ryan usually got drugs for me, I was fine for a while without them, until I wasn't and I craved more, always craved more and it got to the point where I wasn't thinking about anything else, It was so fucking painful Lou, so consuming, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate on anything so I started reconnecting with people I met through Ryan, till I finally found Ryan's dealer, Damien." Harry sighed, staring at the armchair, afraid of what he may read on Louis' face.

"I started using again, in summer when you were there I was high almost every day, but I was already so used to it that there was more lows than highs and old lows became new highs, I was in so much pain when I was sober, I was feeling so shitty all the time, so I thought why bother..." 

There were tears in Louis' eyes, remembering all the mood swings and stupid fights they had that summer, sometimes Harry would suddenly disappear, he often wasn't talking or listening to him, like he wasn't there and maybe he wasn't. Looking at it now, knowing the truth, it all made sense.

"I didn't have enough money to be high every day, and I already owed Damien so I started dealing, remember all the stupid excuses I made to leave in the most random moments?"

"Fuck, I thought it was because I was making you uncomfortable or that you just traded me for other friends."

"Lou... What? No!" Harry said, shaking his head. "After spending summer with you, I tried to get my shit together... I wasn't using for the last two weeks, remember when I had flu?" Louis' mouth opened in shock, it was a weird flu but he didn't question it at the time. "Yeah, it was hell, but you being there made all the difference, I couldn't handle seeing how sad I made you by being like that." He said reaching his hands to hold Louis, who instinctively intertwined their fingers. "I felt so shitty when you were leaving, I wanted to beg for you to stay, I wasn't ready, it was so soon but It wasn't fair of me to say anything so I didn't." Louis squeezed Harry's hand, as to say that he was here, that he would always be here.

"Three days after you left I started using again." Harry sighed shaking his head, regretting his poor decisions. 

"It was all the same, dealing, using, suffering that got worse every day. The day I disappeared, I had a huge fight with my mom, I felt so lonely, so shitty, I was confused, high and in pain and I packed a few of my clothes, took my wallet, left my phone so they wouldn't be able to find me and went out, I just didn't want to be a burden anymore." Tears were streaming down his face and he stopped to wipe them and take a deep breath. 

"I went at the abandoned building that was full of drug addicts and homeless people and got high, but this time I used too much, I just didn't want to feel so bad, I wanted to feel happy, I wanted to forget everything and everyone I was disappointing, I felt like I was gone too far to come back, everything felt so meaningless and faded..." He stop to take a deep breath that came out shaky. "maybe I even wanted to die, but no such luck."

Louis flinched at that, remembering how he tried for years to understand what was going on inside Harry's head when he did it and here it was, the story he never thought he would hear, he didn't say anything, silently wiping his tears, waiting patiently for Harry to say more.

"When I woke up all my things were gone, someone took my backpack, jacket and wallet, that someone apparently also killed himself a while later, and months later he was unrecognizable and considering he was wearing my clothes and had my wallet with my documents, everyone thought it was me." He looked at Louis with guilty, pained expression, tightening his grip on Louis hand.

"I didn't know Lou, I swear I didn't know you thought I was dead." Louis bit down on his lips to stop himself from screaming, all the feelings he was having were suffocating, he wanted to yell at Harry, slap him, tell him to get the fuck out, hit him, but most of all he wanted to hug him and never let go.

He needed to stay calm, he needed Harry to say everything. He needed to know.

"After that I just moved around a lot never stopping, at some point I came to London, I came to your place, too tired of living like that, thinking you would help me get clean, help me get my shit together, I just missed you so much Lou, you're the most important thing in my life and all I wanted was to see you and feel you, just be near you, I felt like I couldn't go on anymore, but you weren't home, I waited and waited, slept at your door for three nights and you never came back."

"I must have been at home looking for you..." Another regretful tear dropped from Louis' eyes. He could have avoided years of misery if he was here, all he needed was to be here.

Harry nodded in acknowledgement.

"On the forth evening I was just wandering through the London, not knowing what to do from that point on when I ran into Ryan. I told him everything and he told me he'd get me into rehab, but I didn't want to, I told him I wanted to get as far away as possible, he felt guilty because he got me into drugs in the first place, so he helped me get a fake ID and get me out of the country, I was living in the US for more than three years, I went in and out of rehab several times first year, I've been clean for more than two years now, I got a normal job and I was just sorting myself out, I thought I was doing everybody a favor by not involving you, I thought you'd figure I ran away and go on with your lives, obviously I was stupid to think that, everything went so horribly wrong..." Harry sighed, buring his face in his hand for a second.

"Few weeks back I found out that everyone thought I was dead, I was thinking of coming back anyway, I finally felt stabile, I was looking you up to find out what you've been up to, that's when I found out. Week later I flew back here, I've been watching you, I'm sorry it took me so long, I just didn't know how to approach you... You thought I was dead and I didn't just want to call but I didn't want to freak you out, I couldn't find the right time or way to do it, But these past few days you seemed to be doing worse than usual so I decided I had to do it before something happened to you." 

Harry finished talking, looking up at Louis, waiting for him to say something, do sometimes, react somehow but he was frozen, staring at Harry's face, looking miserable.

"Please say something Lou..." Harry begged.

"Does your mom know?"

"No... I wanted to see you first." Louis got up and went to his room, started changing his clothes, Harry followed him. He would think about all of it later.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked confused.

"Getting ready, we're going home." Louis stated.

"We are?" Harry asked, his voice coming out high and surprised.

"Yeah, we are."

"I don't want to" Harry said, nervously biting his lip, crossing his arms.

Louis stopped in the middle of reaching for his socks that were on the floor, he straightened himself, slowly moving closer to Harry, until their faces we're centimeters away. Harry swallowed loudly, his breath hitching from anxiety.

"What the fuck do you mean you don't want to?!" Louis spet out coldly "can you for a second image what it feels like to lose someone so close to you? Your family? Your everything? It destroys you, kills you every day and believe me when I tell you, it does not get better, so I don't give a FUCK what YOU want, I'm not letting your mom live in this hell, we've been living in for fucking years, a second more than I have to." Harry was shaking and crying from Louis harsh words but Louis didn't feel any empathy, he felt furious. 

He finished getting dressed, grabbed his keys and went out the door without looking, knowing Harry was right behind him.

They didn't talk on the road, Louis had music volume turned up too loud. He tried not to think about anything, concentrating on the current task, he needed to let everyone know as soon as possible and then he would deal with everything else. He needed some time. All of It was too crazy, he didn't know how to feel.

He parked in front of Anne's house, taking a deep breath, looking at Harry, tears were rapidly falling down his cheeks, he looked like he would throw up or pass out any second, he involuntarily reached for his hand, making Harry look up startled.

"I'm sorry Lou..." He sobbed "I'm sorry I put you through that, I just... There's no excuses, I know it, I do but please..." He cried, not knowing what he was asking for.

Louis pulled him into the hug rubbing his back until he was completely calm. His body no longer shaking.

"Now we are going to walk in there, we're gonna tell your mom, what you told me and everything is going to be fine. Yeah?" Louis said soothingly.

Harry stayed silent for a few seconds, not quite ready to put distance between them yet, then he sighed.

"Yeah, I'm ready." He said pulling back, wiping his eyes and making sure he looked decent.

Louis knocked at the door. Waiting a few heartbeats, Harry wouldn't be visible from the door, he didn't want to give Anne a heart attack.

Door opened and he was instantly pulled into a hug.

"Lou! When did you come back? Your mom said you weren't coming back for a few more days!" Anne said, still hugging him.

"She doesn't know, I just got here, I need to talk to you." Louis said, his tone serious.

"Is everything alright? What's going on?" She pulled back her face frowned in confusion.

"Yeah, everything is better than alright, so I need you to be really calm, okay? I have got some news... about Harry" he said carefully, observing her face.

"I don't understand... What do you mean news?" 

Louis put his hands on her shoulder for support and looked her in the eyes.

"Anne, he's alive." He looked at Harry who was behind the wall and he came to the door.

"Hey Mom" he simply said, his face tense.

Anne gasped loudly, covering her mouth with her hand, she was whimpering, tears falling down her face, in a second she was pulling Harry into a hug, moving hands around his back to make sure he was real.

"I'm sorry Mom" Harry cried "I'm so so sorry" Anne's sobs got louder.

"Louis?" Louis looked back to see his mother standing on the porch of their house.

"What are you doing here? What's going on?" Her eyes fell on Harry's back "is that?" Her eyes went wide as she made her way towards them, staring at Harry's with mouth wide open.

"Jay, he's back, he's back, he's alive!" Anne sobbed, pulling back, letting Jay hug Harry.

After a few minutes they made their way inside, after comings down from the first wave of euphoria, came confusion, Jay and Anne sat at the table, Louis sat next to Harry, holding his hand.

"It's okay love, tell them what you told me."

Hearing everything was very emotional for them, they cried all the way though, the three of them, Anne, Jay and Louis, went through all of it together from the start, it was so overwhelming for Louis to be there, watching their faces as they took in the real story, not knowing how to deal with it himself.

When they finally stopped talking and asking questions sun was setting down, Anne said that she and Jay would make dinner, telling Louis and Harry to rest upstairs because they were too exhausted from drive and all the emotions.

Louis hasn't laid on Harry's bed for four years, after they found the body, he couldn't even bring himself to go up there.

The room looked exactly as he remembered, not a small detail changed. There were still posters on the wall, books on the shelves, wooden chair near table where he and Harry carved their initials in years ago, he ran his finger over them.

"Louis" Harry said, Louis looked at him, he was sitting on the bed. "Will you lay down with me for a while?" Harry asked, impatiently making grabby hands at him.

Louis didn't say anything, just laid next to him, making sure they were as tangled in each other as humanly possible.

Harry kissed his forehead tenderly

"I love you so much, I missed you" he whispered and Louis tightened his arms around him, as a response.

Harry fell asleep in seconds, but Louis couldn't, still only halfway convinced it was real. He traced Harry's skin with his fingertips, just feeling every single curve on his body, loving how real it was. 

He didn't know how to feel all day, but at that moment he felt calm and sure. He felt love.

***

They spent two weeks at home and it felt like nothing ever happened.

Nobody talked about it. They acted like last four years didn't even happen and it was fine at first, but slowly it started to piss Louis off.

Of course last four years happened, Harry left, he was gone, making everyone believe that he was dead, turning their lives into hell.

Sometimes in his dark moments he wanted Harry to hurt. It felt unfair, he couldn't just do something like that and just go back to normal like he didn't ruin lives.

Louis was feeling so much at the same time, like after years of being dead inside every emotion hit him at once and he wasn't able to process them properly.

Some days he wouldn't even see Harry, he was so furious at him, made up excuses that he had some work to do, couldn't even bare to see his face.

On the days when he saw Harry they were never alone, Anne couldn't let Harry out of her sight, and honestly, who could blame her.

Some days he just wanted to cut Harry open and crawl beneath his skin to never be apart from him, he wanted to kiss him, hug him, just needed their skin brushing up against each other at all times, but he couldn't do it like he used to, couldn't even be with Harry alone, didn't trust himself not to break or freak out.

After the first days of shock were gone, depression slowly found its way out of the darkest corners of Louis brain to consume him.

He couldn't eat, never got more than four hours of sleep at night, couldn't concentre on the presentation he had to finish for next week, couldn't communicate with his family like a normal fucking person and he hated Harry for it and hated himself for letting him have such huge impact on him.

They were having lunch at Louis' house. Ever since pregnant Anne moved in next door two decades ago, Jay, as a single mother herself, had adopted her and later Harry as their family, so it used to be totally normal and often occurrence for them, but not anymore, Louis reminded himself, because Harry and he hadn't attended it for years.

Louis' two sisters, stepfather and Mom were sitting at the table as well as Harry and Anne, they had just finished eating and each had cups of tea in front of them, sipping it slowly when suddenly, In the middle of reminiscing stories of their childhood, something inside Louis' head snapped.

It made him look around the table. Hit with the wave of reality, suddenly he felt disgust and anger. How could they just sit here, laughing and chatting, sipping their fucking tea like nothing happened.

All the happy memories of the past were too soaked with sadness and blood to bring joy.

"Sweetheart, are you alright?" Jay's concerned voice broke Louis out of his thoughts.

He turned his head slowly, looking at all of them, his gaze stopping at Harry.

"No, mom, I am not alright." He said calmly, ignoring frowned eyebrows and concerned eyes staring at him. "In fact, how are YOU alright? All of you?" Louis raised his voice, getting up, still leaning on the table. 

"Why is nobody talking about it? Was last four fucking years just in my head? How am I supposed to just forget all that?" Tears were pressing to the corners of his eyes but he managed to hold them back.

"And you!" He pointed at Harry "you are a fucking selfish prick! you ruined everything" he was yelling now, overtaken by sudden rage he wasn't aware of before it hit "you ruined everyone and everything and you don't even give a shit, do you? you expect to just come back thinking everything will be fine?" He said calmer now, leaning forward to look in Harry's wide teary eyes from across the table "nothing. Will. Ever. Be. Fine." He spat out "I fucking hate you" he yelled, walking out through the front door as fast as he could, getting in his car and driving away to the only place he could go to.

After driving thirty four minutes he pulled over near the familiar woods, making his way in, he knew this place like his palm already, he walked and walked, voices in his head getting louder, turning into a white noise, he couldn't hear his own thoughts, he turned near the big oak tree, getting farther away from the walking path untill he saw the familiar rocks and made his way behind them to sit in the ditch where he thought Harry's body was laying for months. His back was pressed against the huge rock. He was here, but the noise was getting louder.

He was used to the saddness, despair, lonliness, pain, loss, he knew how to keep going with his heart heavy and life meaningless but this was new and he had no idea how to handle this.

He felt betrayed. Somehow Harry killing himself spontaneously and impulsively seemed better than Harry leaving him for four years, living every day like Louis didn't even exist. Like he didn't care.

Voices were making his head hurt, they were all screaming at him. He bumped his head against the rock, then did it again, harder.

"Shut up!" He yelled "shut the fuck up" as he bumped his head over and over again, he needed pain, pain makes voices go away.

Tears were streaming down his face, he just wanted it to stop, wanted the world to stop existing, wanted to disappear but the burden of ruining everyone he loved laid heavy on his shoulders.

This had to be hell, because there was no way of escaping.

"Lou?" Came the broken voice from somewhere above him "where are you?" It took Harry seconds to spot him, because he just couldn't stop sobbing.

He got in front of Louis instantly, not knowing what to do, he tried to move closer.

"No...don't touch me" Louis managed to say, making himself smaller.

"Lou, please stop crying" Harry bit his lip nervously "please you're scaring me, let's just talk" 

"I don't want to Fucking talk Harry, I don't want anything, I just want all this shit to be over." 

"You want what to be over?" Harry asked hesitantly, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

Louis looked up at him, meeting Harry's red rimmed eyes.

"Fucking everything" he sobbed, turning his eyes down.

"You don't mean that" Harry begged "you take it back Louis, now" he demanded, his voice stubborn, just like when they were kids.

Louis didn't answer.

He felt Harry slide down next to him, wrapping his arms around his knees, their bodies not touching.

"I'm sorry." He said, Louis' answering chuckle echoed painfully.

"You're such a fucking child thinking 'sorry' can fix anything." Louis was still staring at the ground.

"Just tell me what to do to fix it and I'll do it" Harry was desperate, sad and crying, Louis hated it but he didn't reach to comfort him like he usually would, he stayed still, raising his eyes from the ground to meet Harry's, as he spoke, his voice only a little bit above whisper.

"If there's something I learned in these four years, it's that some things can't be fixed, some things you just gotta live with"

"If you want to hurt me like I hurt you that's fine" Harry said, still looking in Louis' eyes. "I deserve it."

"You really do. But that's impossible, try living in hell for years."

"You think I haven't?" Harry snapped "I was hurting so much, I was in pain, I missed everyone, I struggled so much, every day was as hell for me as it was for you."

"The only difference is you chose it. And you knew we were not dead."

Harry's face fell, he looked down, another tear escaping his eyes.

"I love you" he whispered, defeated.

"I love you too" Louis said simply, making Harry's head shoot up in second to look at him in surprise. "But I hate you just as much." He said getting closer to Harry before his head was buried in younger boy's neck, his arm wrapped around his smaller figure not leaving any space between them.

"My mom told me that this place was like my grave to you." Harry started carefully "that you would come here... She said she never really saw you but in every two months or so someone would bring daisies."

"I used to come as often as I could." Louis said calmly "when it... Got too bad. When I felt like I could die from pain. I would just come here and sit, talking to myself praying you could hear me" Louis chuckled sarcastically at his own stupidity. Harry tightened his arm around Louis' waist.

"I can never change what happened, if I could, I would, I never meant for you to think that I was dead... I didn't think you'd care so much, I was an insecure, stupid kid on drugs and I made so many mistakes" Harry paused, collecting his thoughts "I can never fix it, but we can learn to live with it, Lou, please, I can't go on without you, please don't leave me"

"Don't leave you?"

"Don't shut me out and pretend like I don't exist or something, I know I'm selfish but I need you so much right now and always."

"Then you'll be pleased to know, leaving you was never an option." Louis whispered "you know how weak I am when it comes to you, I couldn't leave you if I wanted to." 

"Do you... Want to?"

"Some part of me, yeah" Louis said honestly, he flinched when he saw Harry's face twitch in pain for a second. "But it's going to be alright." Louis didn't know how to fix anything, not himself, not his life, not their relationship, but he would try his best.

"Promise?" Harry asked.

Louis didn't answer, instead he said:

"I can't stay here forever, I'm going back to London, tomorrow." 

"Can I come with you?" Harry asked, his face was vulnerable, like rejection would break him. Louis weakly smiled at him, stroking his cheek lovingly.

"Of course baby."


	3. Dreams of everything we can't have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, can't believe I finally got enough of my shit together to update.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy.

***  
The hallway was dark. The only source of the light was a small light bulb that could just as well have been a decoration. Louis could barely make out anything as he dragged the suitcase up the last stairs, sighing heavily.

"You didn't have to do that, I'm not a child anymore, Lou, I can carry my suitcase." Harry said as Louis tried to get the key into the hole.

"It's no bother, honestly, it's not that heavy." Louis got inside and hit the light switch, illuminating the room.

Harry laughed as Louis squeezed his eyes shut, wincing at the impact of the light after the darkness.

They went into the living room, dropping their things on the floor. Louis closed the door, and before Harry could process anything, he was pressed up against the nearest wall, he smiled into the kiss, welcoming the warmth of Louis' mouth.

He slipped his hands underneath Louis' shirt, feeling his soft skin, Louis pulled his head back from Harry's neck to let him get rid of the shirt.

Laugher echoed around the flat as they bumped into the couch on their way to the bedroom. Harry walked backwards till he felt the bed with the back of his legs, dropping on in, Louis followed with their mouths still attached.

Harry was looking up at his boyfriend as he took off his jeans, following his actions.

"Been thinking about it the whole drive here" Louis mumbled, kissing up Harry's abbs. Warmth hit Harry's lower belly, making him throw his head backwards.

"I've heard about the crazy college sex but I didn't expect it before the term even started." Harry said teasingly, earning himself a slap on the arm.

"No college sex for you baby, you're all mine." Louis said, kissing his lips softly.

***

Harry opened his eyes in the small, strange room. Alone, of course. He sighed, sadness filling his insides.

Another dream.

He sat up to check the time on his phone, it was too early, not even six am. 

He's been having these dreams for almost a year now. Dreams of the life that he would have if he hadn't fucked everything up. These dreams were also the big part of wanting to come back, even before he found out that everyone considered him dead.

Dreams started out unnoticeable, he had missed Louis long before he left, he was always there, in his head, under his skin, inside his every thought. He thought about how he was doing, what he thought about him leaving, if he was looking for him, if he missed Harry as much as Harry missed him. 

Constantly thinking about someone makes them appear in your dreams, Harry was just glad he got to see some form of Louis, even if it was just pieces of his unconsciousness.

Although soon dreams became very detailed and specific, he saw the life they would have, if he had just stayed. Regret was eating him alive, he thought that he didn't even deserve to feel pain for it, he ruined it all by himself.

Harry got up and changed his clothes, it's been a week since he moved in with Louis and he worked out some sort of routine. Routine was good, it helped him stay away from making stupid decisions, like move to another continent, or take drugs.

He changed and went out for a run. Sun hadn't even rised yet, but Harry didn't mind, it was more quiet and peaceful this way. 

Moving in had been odd, to say the least, he hadn't seen Louis in years and getting to know all the new parts of him wasn't easy, especially considering how dark most of them were. 

***

Drive back to London was nothing like the drive home. First of all - they were talking. The tension was mostly gone, there was no urgency or confusion, just comfortable familiarity with the hint of vigilance. Harry carefully picked every word, trying not to give attention to the problems, sticking to simple stuff and banter.

In the evening they were mostly settled, both fed and rested. 

"I have a spare room you can move into, I mostly use it to store things, it's a mess but I will clean it up." Louis said.

"Could I.." Harry stopped Mid-sentence "I thought maybe I could sleep with you tonight?" He looked down, when seconds passed without an answer, he was trembling, biting his nail. He shouldn't have said anything, Louis was silent, emotions triggered by Harry's words taking turns on his face.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that, it was stupid I will just..."

"No... God no, of course you can sleep with me" Louis stopped him "It's just... It's been so long Harry... we're different people now, it's hard for me to know how to feel sometimes."

"Lou it's still me" Harry said defensively, crossing his arms as he looked down.

"But it's not" Louis got closer to make Harry look at him. "It's okay, hey, it's fine, we will get to know each other again, alright? I love you." He said, gently wiping tears from Harry's cheeks.

"I ruined everything, I broke us and it's never gonna be the same." Harry said, letting more tears escape.

The thing is, Harry wondered about what their relationship would become, he knew Louis needed some time to heal, but he had been in love with him his whole life and he wanted to know if something more than friendship could happen between them. He knew he ruined everything by his stupid decisions, but he still had hope.

"Hey, look at me, no, it's never gonna be the same" Harry sobbed, regret washing over him once again. "BUT it doesn't have to be a bad thing, it can be better, I love you and that's all that matters." Louis pulled the crying boy down into a warm hug, whispering soothing things to calm him down.

"I'm in love with you" Harry said and Louis froze against his body. He already knew that, he told himself. "and I'm so fucking scared because I don't know how to do it, or if you're still in love with me, I don't know if it's too late and I don't know if this horrible tension between us will ever go away completely." Harry whispered in his ear, too afraid to give the words an actual voice.

Louis broke the hug only to let their lips collide, Harry's eyes widened for a second before they closed, his mouth letting out loud breath of relief.

"Of course I'm still in love with you" Louis said when they pulled away, breathless. "I will always be in love with you, even if it kills me." Harry didn't know if these words were supposed to hurt or relieve him, maybe both.

Harry bit his lip, frowned in disbelief, he still hadn't let go of Louis, pressing their bodies together as tightly as he could, smelling his hair and skin to burn it in his brain forever. Just in case.

That night they went to bed together, Louis spooning Harry from behind, Harry tried to remember Louis tracing his skin, the old habit he had, as if suddenly it could all disappear like many cruel dreams he had before, but it was real, it had to be.

 

***

After the run Harry felt refreshed and energetic. He tried to open the door as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake Louis up. He took a quick shower and out of nothing else to do, he started making breakfast.

He was halfway through preparing it when he heard footsteps.

"Hey" Louis said quietly. Harry looked at him and smile creeped up on his face.

Louis in the mornings was the cutest sight, his hair was messy, his eyes still half closed, pyjama bottom a little too long. He could almost feel the warmth radiating from his skin all the way across the room.

"Hey Lou, did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, kinda still sleeping thought, what are you making? Smells good."

"Pancakes, it'll be ready in a couple of minutes."

"Perfect" Louis said, sitting down at the table, dropping his head on it.

Harry smiled fondly, this is what he wanted, to see Louis every morning of his life. He wanted to know every bit of his body and soul, know all of his new habits, even the annoying ones.

Once they were done eating, Louis made his way to the couch while Harry was putting dishes in the sink.

There were things Harry wanted to talk about, but he was afraid of saying the wrong thing. He wanted to be with Louis in every way possible but they haven't even kissed since the day he moved in.

 

He went to the living room, sitting between Louis and the back of the couch, cuddled Louis who was watching TV, placing soft kisses on his head every once in a while. 

The constant state of sadness Louis seemed to be in, was new for Harry, Louis himself didn't seem to notice. Maybe he's just been sad for too long. Maybe sad was the only thing he knew now. He used to be so joyful and energetic... Harry promised himself that he would fix it, he would make Louis happy again.

Harry started kissing Louis' neck slowly, just to test the waters, Louis didn't really react, aside form giving him more access to his neck by turning around a bit.

"What's so interesting there babe?" Harry whispered before gently sucking on his neck, making Louis' breath hitch. 

Louis turned around completely, finally facing Harry, he looked in his eyes intensely and slowly leaned in, tasting his lips tenderly.

The way Louis moved his lips against Harry's wasn't urgent or uncertain, it was steady, sweet but also full with lust. Harry deepened the kiss, getting Louis on top of him, holding him by the hips.

"Fuck, you're so hot" Harry said when he took in the image in front of him. Louis was sitting on his lap, breathing heavily, his lips red and parted, his hair covering parts of his face, eyes full of want.

Louis smiled smugly at the compliment, grinding down on him. Loud, desperate breath escaped his mouth at the friction.

"Bedroom" Louis said, sitting up quickly, leading Harry with their hands intertwined.

Harry undressed himself, getting on Louis' unmade bed. Louis was on top of him in seconds, reconnecting their mouths.

They were both naked and hard, pressing against each other. Harry wanted to imprint every little movement of Louis' face in his brain, along with the desperate noises he was making.

"I've wanted this for so long" Louis whispered, kissing down Harry's body "never thought I'd actually get it."

"Me neither, never even dreamt you felt the same, never thought I could have you." Harry said slipping his hands in Louis' hair.

"But you can now, any way you want baby" he whispered, connecting their mouths as he wrapped his hand around Harry's cock. Harry's eyes rolled in the back of his head, this was real, it was really happening.

"Can you ride me?" Harry said. Louis didn't say anything, just got off of Harry for a second getting lube from the drawer, then he got back on top of him, opening up lube and putting some on his fingers.

"Not gonna lie, it has been a while" Louis said as he slid one finger inside, moving it impatiently. "But I would like nothing more than feeling you inside me right now." He added another finger thrusting them in and out. "I've thought about it so many times, fuck." 

Seeing Louis finger himself on top of him was making Harry feel things. The small moans slipping from his mouth made his head spin, it was so fucking hot. Louis put some lube on Harry's cock and positioned himself on top.

"Wait" Harry said "are you clean?"

Louis smiled, as if Harry had said a joke.

"Yeah, I'm clean."

"Don't you wanna know if I am?" Harry asked.

"I don't really care" Louis said, slowly sliding down his cock. First feeling was heat and pressure, but realization that it was Louis hit him harder than anything, making his body buzz with pleasure.

Louis moaned when Harry was fully inside him, he started moving back and forth, riding him slowly, like he wanted to feel every second of it.

His eyes were closed but Harry was looking at his face twisting in pleasure, biting his lip, trying to maintain the rhythm.

Harry started to thrust up, meeting Louis halfway, making him moan loudly every time he hit the spot. Louis was taking it painfully slow, Harry felt like he's been on edge for hours.

Harry sat up, pulling Louis into the heated kiss, wanting desperately to taste the noises coming out of his mouth.

"I'm close" Louis whispered in his mouth. Harry laid him down on his back, stroking his cock as he thrusted inside as hard as he could, making Louis whimper under him, he tried to hold it back but as soon as he took in the look of absolute pleasure on Louis' face, his mind went blank and pleasure seized his body in waves, Louis followed him in a few seconds, their bodies still moving together.

***

They were breathing heavily, laying next to each other, neither of them were saying anything.

Harry looked over at Louis,who was looking up at the celling, eyes wide open, not blinking, expression unreadable. Harry hated that he couldn't just know what Louis was thinking anymore.

Harry turned to lay on his side, cupping Louis' cheek. 

"What are you thinking love?" He asked. Louis looked at him for a second, then looked away.

"Nothing" he said, shaking his head with a weak smile. Harry frowned, it wasn't usual for Louis to hide his thoughts, usually he had trouble biting his tongue. 

Then again, maybe it was the new usual, Harry wouldn't know. He bit his lip in concentration, anxiety filling his heart. Louis wanted this, right? He definitely enjoyed it... Harry just didn't understand what was the problem.

"Tell me what's wrong baby." Harry said, slowly stroking his cheek. Louis was silent for a few seconds, then he got up.

"Nothing, really, I'm just tired, H..." He yawned to emphasize it. " I'll take a shower and we could nap after?" He asked, lazily smiling.

"I could shower with you" Harry said suggestively.

"No, it's fine." Louis smiled at him and walked out of the room.

Harry was confused, he didn't know what to say or do but he couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong with Louis. He considered going to shower with him anyway, but changed his mind, he didn't want to push him.

Harry curled up into the blanket, waiting for Louis, he waited ten minutes, fifteen, twenty... Then he got up to check up on him, Louis never took showers that long.

He was about to go through the door when he saw Louis coming back, His heart broke when he saw his eyes.

"Lou?" He said panicked, holding him by his arms "what is it?" He looked all over Louis to find some kind of damage that would explain this.

"What are you talking about?" Louis gave him a confused smile.

"Why were you crying?" Harry asked, feeling more and more upset as the time passed. He was about to cry himself.

"What are you talking about silly?" Louis chuckled.

"You were upset and now your eyes are red and puffy you look like you've been crying, please tell me what's wrong Lou" he insisted.

"Hey, calm down, baby..." Louis wrapped his arms around him "it's just the hot shower, I haven't been crying, why would I cry?" He looked so sure that Harry thought that either Louis was a really good liar or he was just being paranoid.

"I'm sorry, fuck" he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "You're right, I'm just being crazy... I just... Don't want to fuck this up. I want you to be happy." He said, pulling Louis in a hug, instantly relaxing at the skin contact.

"I am happy baby" Louis whispered, not breaking the hug. His tone was neutral, Harry bit his lip to hold himself from saying anything more.

"Can we take that nap now, Haz?" Louis asked, pulling away.

"Yes, please"

***

Harry was lost. 

Even though he had been back for a while already, he was still adjusting. He found a job at the local restaurant and it was going fine so far, people were nice, he was making enough money and it was within the walking distance from the flat. Relationship with Louis was also going well.

Well... Sort of.

Harry wasn't really sure if it was a relationship, or if it was going anywhere, but it was definitely good. All the cuddling and soft kisses were making his heart flutter with warmth. They couldn't be in the same room without touching and kissing each other and sex was more amazing than Harry could ever imagine.

The thing was, it was all new: work, relationship, environment, everything... It was stressful. The problem is that it's not that easy to forget your old, addictive habits of dealing with stress, even if it's been years.

Most days he didn't even think about drugs, he's been completely clean for more than two years and sure, he had good days and bad days but mostly they were just days, not revolving around the itchy feeling of want and crave. 

He didn't think about the past, tried his best to focus on today and don't look back, he pretended that he didn't remember, until he actually believed it. Sometimes denial is what you need to go through the day.

Ever since he's been back, he hasn't been able to forget. In fact he had been reminded of it every day. Louis wasn't always as sad as before but every time he was, Harry was reminded of what he did, and why he did it, and so sometimes he thought about what it felt like to be too high to feel anything real and feeling everything at the same time.

He was fighting it, he was. Because he also remembered what was the price of being high and that he wasn't the only one paying it. So it became an everyday struggle once again.

He also wanted to figure out what the situation with Louis was, or if he could move into Louis' room, or under his skin and never be away from him, but he couldn't just ask.

Technically he knew, that the lack of communication was a bad start for a relationship but Louis was just so fragile these days, he didn't want to risk upsetting him by saying the wrong thing, or rushing stuff.

Louis was sitting on the couch, glasses low on his nose as he concentrated on something he was typing on his laptop.

"Hey, Lou, dinner's ready" he leaned down to kiss his cheek.

"Just a minute babe, have to finish this paragraph." Harry went back to kitchen and put dinner on plates and at the table.

He sat down, alone, trying to come up with the way to talk to Louis about their relationship, as he did every day for the past week, when Louis came into the room, placing the kiss on his head before sitting opposite him to eat. 

"Hey cutie" he smiled at Harry. He seemed unusually like his old self, playful and happy.

"Hey babe" Harry smiled. "Are you done working for today?"

"Yeah, for today, I still have a lot of editing to do though, but it's fine I'm really enjoying this book."

"That's great!" Harry said "I thought maybe we could watch a movie after dinner?"

"Only if I'm picking it." Louis said. "Do you want some wine? I think I'd like some." He said, getting up to get the bottle and the glasses.

"Yeah, me too." Harry said. Louis poured the wine in glasses and placed them on the table.

"This feels like a date." Louis said jokingly.

"Maybe it is a date and you just don't know about it?" Harry said, playfully.

"Oh really? Well then, I was thinking we're long overdue anyway." Louis said, shrugging and sipping his wine. 

"Seriously?" Harry asked. 

"Um, yeah? Why are you so surprised?" 

"I just thought maybe you didn't want to like... Date me?" Harry said, making Louis laugh so hard he almost spilled his wine.

"Are you that clueless darling? I thought that the fact that I told you I'm in love with you, that we live together and sleep together would give you a clue, silly, how can I possibly be more clear." Louis said, smiling at him fondly. 

"When you put it like that... It's not that... I mean..." Harry paused, looking into Louis' eyes "so you want to be my boyfriend?" 

"Well, I kind of thought I was already your boyfriend but sure babe, I will be your boyfriend." Louis said, shaking his head, smiling. 

Harry smiled too, happy with the answer, looking over at his boy. Suddenly, fixing everything and being happy didn't seem like something out of reach, it felt real and tangible.

***

After that day dynamics between them changed. They were no longer tiptoeing around each other, not afraid to feel and express their love anymore. Harry officially moved into Louis' room, they went on dates, Harry made Louis go out more in general, wouldn't let him decline the offers of co-workers to hang out, Louis needed more friends, any friends, really.

Louis always used to be the center of attention, he was fun and charismatic and easily attracted people. He always had a lot of friends, always surrounded by people. It used to make Harry annoyed and jealous years ago, but looking at him now, he couldn't help but feel guilty for the way he messed up Louis' life.

Louis seemed more stable, he didn't cry anymore, at least not that Harry knew of, he would find Louis on his own sometimes, smiling and humming some song and it always made Harry's heart melt with happiness.

It took Harry a few months to adjust completely, aside from their relationship and work, he even took up some classes and reached out to old friends. He felt content and Louis seemed much happier, too.

It was a sunny, warm afternoon on May, Harry finished work early and was walking home when the familiar face cought his attention. 

He looked different, more grown up, but he had the same features and the same look on his face, he was looking down at his phone. There couldn't have been a mistake, it was him.

"Ryan?" He said. The man looked up and surprise washed over his face.

"Oh my God, Harry!" Ryan said, waving his hands in the air at a loss of words. "How are you?" 

"I'm good, I just got back a few months ago. Everything's fine. How are you? You look so different."

"Yeah, so do you, it's been years. Hey are you busy right now? I was gonna get coffee, I'd love to catch up with you."

"Yeah, sure" Harry said, following Ryan to the small cafe. They sat outside and ordered coffee.

"I'm glad that you got your shit together, H, I would never forgive myself if something bad happened to you."

"You don't have to feel guilty, really, I made my own choices and you helped me enough even though you didn't have to, I don't blame anyone but myself."

"So how's your life right now?"

"Everything's fine, I'm so happy to be back, it was really hard to start life away from everything you know. Also everyone thought I was dead."

"What?" Ryan almost spit out his coffee.

"Right after I left home, someone stole all my things while I was too high to function, long story short, the guy killed himself and he was found months later, with my documents and my clothes, they thought it was me."

"Oh my God! I had no idea, I haven't even been there for years, even my parents moved away."

"Yeah it was really hard, coming back and adjusting, but it's fine now, I talk to my mom every day, I live with Louis. Everything's good."

"Louis? Your Louis?"

"Yeah, apparently my feelings weren't as one sided as I thought, you were right."

"Knew it" Ryan laughed. It was nice, seeing someone who he was connected to through the worst time of his life. Ryan was there to see it, he understood.

"How's your life going?"

"Great, actually I just got engaged a week ago, her name is Lydia and she's the best thing to ever happen to me"

They talked and talked about their lives and past memories, it was really nice to catch up with Ryan after all these years. It was already dark when they decided to go home. 

"It was so good to see you, we should hang out sometime" Ryan said, pulling Harry into a long hug.

"Yes, absolutely, I'm glad we ran into each other." 

After parting ways with Ryan, Harry felt odd. It was so strange running into someone from the past, it made him think about all the ways his life could have turned out, he decided the one he had right now wasn't the worst.

Harry needed to clear his head so he decided to go for a walk in the park nearby. He bought some cigarettes on the way.

He didn't really smoke, didn't need another addiction in his life, but sometimes he needed it, made him relax and clear his head. He sat on the swing and lit up a cigarette. 

When he was finally ready to go home he realized, he'd been sitting in the park for almost two hours, just smoking and thinking. He looked at his phone, he saw two missed calls from Louis.

"Shit" he said, calling him back.

"Hey babe, sorry I missed your call, my phone was on silent"

"Where are you, I was worried, you should have been home hours ago." Louis said.

"Yeah, um, my boss needed me to work double shift, it was last minute, I forgot to let you know, sorry." Harry didn't know why he lied, maybe because Louis hated Ryan and blamed him, maybe because he didn't want Louis to worry about him getting into drugs again. The lie was stupid and he regretted it instantly. There was a long paused on Louis' end.

"Again?" Louis finally asked. Shit, Harry thought, he forgot he worked double two days ago.

"It's been a busy week, look, I'll be home in five, babe." 

"Alright" Louis said quietly and hung up.

'fuck' Harry thought 'why did I lie'

He was never a good liar, what if Louis could tell he was lying. He decided he couldn't say the truth now, because it would look even more suspicious.

He knocked on the door, biting his lip, he was nervous, he didn't want to upset Louis or have an argument with him.

The door opened, and before he could read anything on Louis' face he was pulled into a hot kiss. It was purely desperation and lust. He closed the door without looking, not braking the kiss.

He slid his hands down on Louis' hips, pulling him closer, Louis tugged on his clothes desperately trying to make him hurry up.

He sighed, relieved, when their naked skin finally touched, he sucked on Harry's collarbone, leaving a purple mark.

"Just get inside me Harry, please, now"

"Here?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, up against the fucking wall" Louis said rubbing Harry's already hard cock.

"Don't you need..."

"No, I already prepped myself, just hurry the fuck up, I need to feel you, come on"

Harry pulled Louis up, sliding his cock inside of him. It wasn't the most comfortable position but it was hot as hell. Harry started moving inside Louis, hearing his hot moans right against his ear was making him thrust up harder.

Louis was holding on to him, sucking and biting his shoulder. Harry always liked a little pain, and Louis knew Harry, so it worked perfectly. It only took them a few minutes before they were coming, mouths attached to each other.

After they got their breathing to slow down, Harry carried Louis to the bed, laying next to him.

"Fuck, that was great" Harry said.

"I want you to always remember how much I love you" Louis said, kissing his cheek.

 

***

It was Friday and Louis was late. 

He was supposed to be home eight hours ago, and Harry was getting anxious, looking at his phone every two seconds, unable to concentrate on the TV running in the background. 

He had called and texted for two hours and he had gotten no response, first he just wasn't picking up but then his phone was off. Harry wondered if it was a battery problem or if Louis was avoiding him.

Everything had been fine mostly, that morning before Louis left they had breakfast together, he kissed him goodbye like he always did. He seemed alright. He was supposed to be back home before Harry, but there was no sign of him and he specifically remembers Louis saying he didn't have any plans that night.

It was almost four am when the front door opened, making Harry jump off the couch and run to the door.

Louis was taking his shoes off, leaning on the wall for balance. He was disheveled and reeked of alcohol. He was barely standing, almost fell down talking his coat off, he couldn't even hold a gaze.

"What the fuck Louis?" Harry said loudly, he was pissed, while he was going out of his mind Louis was partying, not even bothering to tell him he was alright.

"Shhhh" Louis said "too loud baby"

"Why did you drink so much, fuck, you're barely standing" Harry helped him to the bed, undressing him "where the fuck were you, who were you with?" 

"Mike and Jenny from work" Louis mumbled "and then some more people came along, I don't really remember, everything's spinning, what's that noise? Turn it down"

"There is no noise Lou... Do you need to throw up?"

"No, I just need to go to the bathroom" Louis got up and made his way to the bathroom, stumbling. Harry followed him, but the door closed right before he could make it inside with Louis.

He sighed, it was both from relief that Louis was fine and from exhaustion. He sat on the floor, with his back against the wall, waiting patiently while Louis threw up and brushed his teeth. When he came out he seemed more adequate, he stumbled back to bed, silently.

"Are you better?" Harry asked with nothing but concern in his voice.

"Yeah" Louis said quietly, wrapping himself in blanket, sitting up. "I just need some time before I can lay down, I need everything to stop spinning." Harry sat down next to him, putting Louis' head on his shoulder.

"Why did you drink so much, baby?" He asked calmly, slowly stroking his back.

"I don't know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you mad." Louis said, hiding his face. "Please don't be upset with me" he said, his voice shaking. 

"Hey, it's alright, I was just really worried, you should have answered your phone, or called or something."

"Haz..."

"Yes babe?"

"You're not going to leave me again, are you?" He whispered. The way he said it made Harry's heart sink in his chest, he sounded so hopeless and defeated.

"Don't be silly, love" Harry said, concerned, brushing off hair from his face to look into his eyes, Louis didn't meet his gaze. "I wouldn't leave you just because you went AWOL and got drunk, that's ridiculous!" Louis sighed, obviously not satisfied with the answer. 

"It's just, I don't care if you fuck someone or whatever, I can take that" Louis said with a shaky voice, making a long pause to collect the sentences out of his broken thoughts. "Just please don't fall in love with someone else and leave me, I couldn't take that." Harry didn't know what to say, he was speechless.

"Where is this coming from... I don't want... What?.. no!" Harry sighed "what are you talking about?"

"I'm not an idiot Harry... I know..." Louis said, silent tears making their way down his face. "I saw you."

"You saw me what?" Harry said frustrated, not quite following the conversation.

"The other day, when you worked double or whatever, I saw you with that guy, holding hands and smiling and exchanging numbers and hugging and I just..." Louis' voice broke "I just don't want to be without you again" for the first time that evening Louis finally looked him in the eyes and it terrified Harry.

Louis looked so scared, like an animal who has been abused it's whole life, holding his breath till the next inevitable punch. Harry didn't even know where to start talking or explaining.

"I know it's my fault" Louis said in a rush, avoiding his eyes again, there was hurt in his voice that Harry hadn't noticed before, he was talking fast, too ashamed to give himself time to process his own words. "I've been too sad and distant, sometimes, but I-I will fix it, I promise, I will do better... I... Just give me some more time... I need some time and I will be whatever you want me to be, just please stay here with me." His words were broken by the sob, his breathing was heavy, his whole body shaking.

"Louis, no, please stop..." Harry said, unable to process just how much he had broken the only good thing in his life, barely holding back sobs. "I'm not fucking anyone else, or falling in love with anybody... Baby... Please don't talk like that, the only thing I want you to be is happy, I want you to be yourself. I don't want you to be okay with me cheating, that's so fucked up." Harry sighed frustrated. "And about the other day... It was an old friend, we met by accident and got a coffee, we exchanged numbers to reconnect, and hugged to say goodbye, and we weren't holding hands he was just telling me something and it was a comforting gesture, I don't want anybody else but you, never did and never will." 

Louis was frozen in Harry's arms, he wasn't speaking, wasn't moving Harry wasn't even sure he was breathing. It took him couple of minutes to stop crying and couple more to finally speak.

"Okay" he said simply.

"You don't believe me, do you?" Harry frowned.

"I believe you, I'm sorry" Louis said, coughing to make his voice come out firmer. "You know how it is... I'm just drunk and talking shit... It was stupid, I just need to sleep." He said, rolling eyes at himself to be more convincing.

"No Lou... We have to be able to talk about stuff... If you have something on your mind just please talk to me, don't just go and get drunk, when has that ever worked for anybody..."

"You're right, yeah, it's really not a big deal, I just overreacted." Louis smiled and pulled him into a deep kiss. "I really need to sleep now, love, goodnight" he said. Harry cuddled up to him, holding him close, he was asleep in seconds, but not Harry. He was really confused and concerned about what Louis said.

The thing is, Louis is a shit liar, but he's a good actor, it was a paradox of sort, but sometimes he wasn't able to tell what Louis was really feeling, usually he didn't need to, Louis has always been straight forward, not putting up with anybody's bullshit. But now he was questioning if Louis has been keeping a lot of things inside and Harry just hasn't been able to tell. The fact that Louis just went from vulnerable and hurt to self-denigrating in seconds was concerning to say the least. 

Was Louis really feeling like that? Was he really that broken that he would do anything to keep him? It broke Harry's heart, he didn't want Louis' to be afraid to say what's on his mind, their relationship has never been fragile, it was always yelling and small, stupid arguments, sometimes even big fights but they were always fine at the end.

But then again, it was so long ago, it felt like another lifetime.

 

***

The sky was gray. Little drops of rain ran down Harry's face as he hurried to the back of the building. 

"Thank God you're here" he said, avoiding eye contact. 

Harry hated himself, he really did. He was about to broke every promise he gave himself and fuck it all up again, but what difference did it make anyway, when everything was already fucked up and this itch in his chest and under his skin was getting more and more prominent, making him grind his teeth against each other in attempts of holding back. The sense of urgency was overwhelming his body, making his heart pound.

"Harry? Are you alright?" There was concern in Ryan's voice.

"Yeah man" Harry attempted to sound light hearted "I just need something, you know? Anything you got, I just need something to relax a little... It's been really stressful lately." He said, trying not to tremble in anticipation.

"Are you sure, H, you don't look so good."

"Yeah I'm fucking sure Ryan, come on, don't be a buzz kill." Harry chucked, it came out dry and desperate.

"Alright, Jesus, whatever."

Harry swallowed two white pills, dry, his body instantly relaxing. He took a deep breath, he would be fine, everything would be fine now. He smiled as he felt his mind go to familiar places, the feeling of perception that only this could bring.

Harry woke up sweaty and disoriented, he opened his eyes, wincing at the light. 

Thank God it was just a dream, he thought, or a memory mixed with a dream, whatever, he was fine, it was all in past, the longing, the craving, the pain, it was gone now. He took deep breaths to calm down. It happened sometimes, when the craving came back, so did dreams, it was getting more and more rare through the years. It's just been a stressful night.

He got up and took a cold shower to properly wake up and forget the dream. He felt anxious and restless, fluttering urgency in his chest wouldn't leave him alone. 

Just a bad day. He knows how to handle bad days by now, he has had too many.

He walked in the kitchen.

"Hey, you're up." Louis said, approaching him "I made breakfast if you're interested" he placed a soft kiss on his lips, pulling him down for a hug. Harry didn't realize how much he needed it until he felt the warmth of Louis' body against his.

"I'm sorry for yesterday, babe, I had a really long week and way too much to drink."

"It's fine" Harry said, he wanted to talk about what happened, but he just couldn't handle it in that moment, so instead he just let himself get lost in Louis'warmth for a while, just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms.

"Are you alright babe?" Louis asked.

"Not really." Harry said quietly. 

"What's wrong, then?" Louis pulled back to look him in the eyes.

"Just feel shitty, don't really wanna talk about it." Louis frowned.

"Okay" he simply said. 

They had breakfast and then tea, it was Saturday and neither of them had any work to do, so they spent most part of the day cuddling on the couch, watching Back To The Future trilogy. Harry couldn't really concentrate, he had the feeling in his chest that want to rip him apart, he was feeling every second pass, it was painful and he was so tired and annoyed by it.

Louis was brushing Harry's hair with his fingers, he had his legs wrapped around Harry from behind, not letting any space between them.

"What do you want to do now babe?"

"I don't know, I want to sleep, but no way I'll be able to."

"Wanna go out to eat?"

"No, let's just order in"

"Okay" Louis got up to get his phone, he leaned against the kitchen counter.

"What do you want to order?" Harry asked.

"I don't mind, you pick." Suddenly the wave of irritation hit Harry, remembering the talk last night. Why couldn't Louis just say what he wanted, why did he always had to tiptoe around him like he was some fucking child.

"Chinese." Harry said, looking straight at his face.

"Alright"

"Alright? You hate Chinese!" Harry said loudly.

"Why are you being like that? I just want to please you, you're having a bad day."

"You're driving me crazy!" Harry said, getting in front of Louis, so close that he could feel his breaths on his face "I can never tell what you're thinking, can't you just say what you think and how you feel? If you're mad at me say so, if you don't want to go somewhere, or do something, or eat something just. Fucking. Say so." 

Louis was looking down, biting his lip, there were tears in his eyes and it was making Harry want to yell, suddenly he felt disgusted by everything around him, himself for not being able to do anything right, Louis for acting like this, the whole fucking world for existing.

"For example" Harry continued "If you fucking think I cheated, or want to fuck someone else just fucking yell at me like a normal fucking person, not cuddle me asking not to leave you, what the fuck is wrong with you." Harry was yelling now, mad that louis wasn't reacting in any way but crying.

"You're upset" Louis carefully moved away from Harry, their skin never touching. Harry turned around to follow him, not ready to calm down yet, he still had some things to say.

"Of course I'm upset, you're not yourself, you told me yesterday that you would be whatever I wanted you to be, do you even hear yourself? You need to get your shit together, how do you expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself?" Louis flinched and stopped at Harry's words, looking into his eyes, expecting for Harry to take it back or apologize, hurt washed over his face when he realized he wasn't going to.

"just fucking say something." Louis continued moving away, trying to get away, but Harry gripped his arm. 

"Let go Harry, please, I can't have this argument right now, you've been upset all day." Louis said, calmly, the only thing giving his emotions away was his watering eyes. 

Harry was about ready to go out of his mind from frustration and anger. Louis tried to pull his arm away from Harry's grip.

"Stop it, stop this fucking bullshit and faking being fine" he shook Louis' entire body "just yell at me, just fucking say what you want, fight me, just fucking do something" Harry yelled. It felt like he couldn't do anything to bring his Louis back, he was so irritated and angry, it felt like everything was broken and Louis wasn't even trying to fix it, he was just pretending it was fine.

Before he could acknowledge anything a loud bang broke him out of his rage. His eyes went wide with realization as he looked into panicked, wide eyes of his boyfriend, who was on the floor, against the wall, where he just pushed him.

Harry froze for a second, before stepping back, covering his mouth with his hands, tears streaming down his eyes.

"Oh my god, oh my god, Louis I'm so sorry, what have I done" he murmured in between sobs, getting farther and farther away from Louis. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to I..." Louis was frozen, still on the floor, physically he seemed fine, but he looked shocked.

Harry kept moving away from him before the back of his feet hit the opposite wall, he dropped on the floor, hiding his face in his hands, still crying.

"What is wrong with me, what the fuck is wrong with me..." He kept repeating. He felt all the stress, pain and frustration leave his body one tear at a time, being replaced by the regret and sadness for every second of past moments.

In couple of minutes he felt arms hesitantly wrap around him.

"It's fine baby, I know you didn't mean to, it's alright." Louis said soothingly.

"No it's not alright, stop saying that, please Lou, I'm a fucking asshole, I didn't mean it Lou, not a word, I love you, I'm sorry I just... I just want you to be happy and I don't know how to do it... The stress is really fucking with my head, I don't know what to do..." Harry tried to catch his breath between sobs. 

"I just don't know how to fix it, you don't have to sacrifice yourself to keep me, I'm not going anywhere." Louis hugged him tighter. "I don't know what to do, sometimes it's so good, everything's fine and I'm so happy, and you're happy, but other times it feels like it's too late to fix anything, that we're too broken and there's always this walls between us... I can't just turn back the time and I can't change anything, I'm so sorry, you were right, I fucked everything up, everything I touch is ruined and I... No matter what I do I fuck things up." Harry stopped and took Louis' face in his hands. 

"I need you Lou, I need you to tell me how to fix it, I'm so tired." Louis didn't say anything, just listened to him, looking in his eyes, stroking his cheek until he calmed down.

The next morning Harry woke up to an empty house and a piece of paper, just a few words on it.

"You're right, everything you said was right. This is becoming toxic, I need some time away and if I don't go now, it will destroy both of us."

***

Maybe Harry should have guessed that if tears could bring Louis back, he would have been home days ago, but he still refused to leave their bed, calling in sick at work.

***

Ten days later, after failing to contact Louis he drove to his hometown, trying not to cry when Jay told him that Louis accepted a job offer... In another country.

"I'm sorry love... He made me promise not to tell you where..." she said not meeting his eyes "maybe it's for the best... He wasn't doing so good lately."

Harry only managed to stay whole for twelve minutes, the second he closed the door of his childhood bedroom behind him the realization finally hit him, dropping him face down on his bed. Braking him into million pieces. 

It was over. Louis was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already started working on the next chapter, hopefully I'll be able to upload it sometime this week.


	4. The letters to no one

The rolling sound of the suitcase wheels mixing with white background noise was making airport atmosphere more depressing than it had to be. Louis sat at the airport cafe, ignoring the crying baby that was probably gonna be on his flight, because why would universe decide it was time to finally spare him.

He didn't really feel anything but emptiness, but he didn't think it was a bad thing. Somewhere along feeling too much and trying desperately to hide it, he became able to shut the voices up, he was able to silent all the emotions. 

Maybe it was some kind of mechanism of survival, there's only so long you can be in pain, after a while you either get numb to it or pass out.

The moment of clarity came to him as his back forcefully collided with the cold wall and slight pain ran through his body before he dropped on the floor, hot traces still imprinted on his arms where Harry held him seconds ago.

First emotion was shock, he wasn't shocked because Harry threw him, or because he was saying hurtful words, it was because time seemed to freeze, making him finally see all of it from the outside, realizing how wrong he's been during all of it. The rational side of him finally took control.

He saw Harry sobbing on the floor and he didn't feel anything. He knew he should feel angry, humiliated, maybe empathetic but he felt nothing. His heart was heavy with locked up feelings for the boy in front of him. The boy he spent most of his life with, the boy he loved so dearly, the boy that had changed his life for better and for worse.

He slowly got up and approached Harry, hoping he wouldn't mind, he wrapped his arms around the younger boy, listening carefully to his words. Harry didn't know what to do, but Louis did. He knew now, he just needed to wait for a couple more hours. 

When Harry finally calmed down, he took him to bed, telling him everything would be fine. He wrapped him in his arms, letting himself show the weakness of saying goodbye, in his own way. Harry was so tired from all the yelling and crying that he passed out in seconds.

Louis got up and started packing only the stuff that was absolutely necessary, some clothes, hygiene products, laptop. He was done within an hour. 

He scrambled a few words on the piece of paper, trying not to overthink it, grabbed his coat and went out the door. Warm May air hit his face, he stopped the cab, going to the hotel for the night.

He didn't sleep that night, he was contemplating the future, carefully planning his next steps.

The next day he set up a meeting with his boss, who had offered him to work on a project in USA few weeks ago, in another branch of their company. Louis had declined then, but he convinced his boss to give him another chance.

It would open in a month, but he offered to be there earlier, helping with preparations of opening a new branch. His boss was happy to hear that, so she set everything up for him.

Louis' heart was fluttering with anxiety and the countless opportunities, he always thought he'd like to live somewhere else for a while. There was no going back now. 

On the same evening he drove home to see his family, making Anne swear that she wouldn't let Harry know where he was.

He told his mom what happened, well, not exactly what happened, he told her that their relationship had become toxic and that they weren't ready to go this fast and start playing house from the beginning of a relationship. He told her about the job and made her promise not to tell Harry where he was going, even though he knew she wouldn't.

"I don't think we'll ever be together again, but after some time passes, and wounds heal, we will be in each other's lives, one way or another, I'm sure of it. Had I stayed, I would have ruined the chances of even that. I couldn't risk it." He told his mom.

He felt like he was living on the autopilot. He didn't cry, didn't regret, didn't think of taking it all back, he didn't even think about anything but the dry details of the new life he needed to arrange for himself.

The second Louis stepped inside airplane, he felt heavy weight lifting from his shoulders. Like he was finally free. He took in a deep breath. Everything was going to be fine. 

It felt ironic somehow, that he was doing the exact same thing that Harry intended to do to him years ago, of course now there would be no confusion but selfishly, it felt satisfying on some level. 

Louis could afford to be selfish for once. He's been treated so unfairly shitty by life, by Harry, but mostly by himself. No more, he would care for himself properly from now on.

The first emotion he felt was anger. He couldn't be sad if he was angry, and angry he was. There was a lot of feelings and no one to hide them from.

He hoped Harry was hurting, hoped he was torturing himself, thinking about everything he did wrong, he hoped Harry was crying so much that it felt vain already, he hoped Harry was hopeless and hated himself, because fuck Harry, fuck his egocentric world where he wants Louis to be happy just so he can stop feeling guilty, fuck his selfish love, making Louis a prisoner of fear. Fuck his self-esteem issues that weren't letting him realize just how much Louis needed him, always waiting for him to take the first step, and especially fuck his stupid brain that decided, instead of working on their relationship, it was okay to go and cheat if everything wasn't going perfectly, especially when everything was, in fact, going alright. So yeah, fuck Harry. Always the victim, always the fucking child.

Louis remembered the night he saw him with another man, how he couldn't make his legs move from the pavement across the street, hoping Harry wouldn't see him.

Hoping Harry would see him. 

How he watched them, smiling and exchanging numbers and talking, leaning forward and even whispering things in each other's ears, laughing. He remembered perfectly how his heart sank when Harry took this stranger's hand in his, slowly moving his thumb against his skin. He remembered thinking maybe he was wrong and paranoid, but he also remembered the hug that lasted so long it felt like hours, remembers Harry's head on his shoulder and arms moving on his back.

That's when he finally made his feet move, running all the way home, crying in the bathroom while he tried to sort himself out, Harry could be home any second.

But apparently he didn't need to hurry, because Harry didn't come any second soon. He cried all his tears on the first hour, trying not to think about Harry in someone else's arms, that was undoubtedly happening right at that moment.

Louis remembers wishing he was dead just to make Harry hurt as much as he had hurt him, but maybe he wouldn't even care, maybe it would make his life easier.

On the second hour came fear, fear so strong that every doubtful thought that he had and fought for months suddenly surfaced all together. 

He wanted to be invisible, make himself small, not move, not speak, wanted to stay frozen, static. Minutes later Harry could walk in that door and tell him it was over, tell him he loved someone else, he could break his heart and leave him, taking from him everything once again and Louis couldn't survive that one more time. The most horrifying part was, If Harry left him like that, the chance of them ever being friends would not exist. Louis was sure he would never get over it enough to look at Harry without feeling pain.

Harry sleeping with someone else hurt. It was never even a possibility in Louis' head. He felt so betrayed, so humiliated, unworthy, he felt like he didn't matter. Apparently Harry thought the same.

Why didn't Harry understand that no one could love him like Louis could? Why wasn't it enough? 

Louis suddenly felt insecure about everything. It wasn't just the way he looked, it was how useless and broken he was, he couldn't trust fully, he didn't know how to keep distance between someone he truly cared about, he loved with his whole being, with everything he had, and maybe that was a part of the problem. 

He fell into submission of pain. With a white flag in his hand and he was ready to surrender. Remembering four painful years, he usually kept locked away in his brain, was not easy, but he did it. Reminding himself how he was ready to sell his soul to the devil himself just to have Harry back for one day. Now he had Harry back so he wouldn't lose him.

He got his phone and before he could overthink, he dialled Harry's number. He waited and waited but there was no answer, he wondered if they were fucking right at that moment as he called again, waiting patiently. No answer. He threw his phone on the couch, burying his head in his hands. 

He took a deep breath, wiped his tears and went to the bedroom, he would show Harry that no one could love him like Louis, the only way he knew how. 

He got lube and started fingering himself, he stretched himself open, trying to hold back tears, realizing how fucked up it all was. He didn't really care. He wanted him, he wanted his skin against his own, wanted to feel Harry inside of him, wanted his hot mouth and most of all he wanted reassurance, wanted his strong arms to hold him. 

His phone called and he answered instantly, hearing Harry's stupid lies take away the last hope of everything being not what it looked like. Louis' heart felt so numb by now that he couldn't even think about it. He just counted seconds in his head before Harry was in front of him.

Kissing him desperately, trying to ignore the taste of cigarettes on his mouth along with the thought that he liked to smoke after sex.

Looking back now it was so pathetic and desperate. But how could he blame his broken heart and body for trying to pretend he stood a chance to be happy, how could he admit that it was over before it even had the chance to be something. It was all in vain, just prolonged agony, selfish need to lie to himself. 

He couldn't forgive himself for being so weak, for losing himself for anyone, or anything.

***

Harry lost his job, that's what happens when you go out of town unannounced, for unknown period of time... Not that he cared really.

He couldn't stay in Louis' flat without remembering all the bad and good things. It felt like the walls were soaked in sadness and despair. He had no one else to blame but himself. 

he hadn't stepped a foot outside his childhood home since he got here two months ago. Anne was trying her best to get him do things, like go outside, eat or functioning like a normal person. 

What difference did it make anyway? The only thing he craved was many kilometers away, and he didn't even know in which direction.

He hoped Louis was happy, he really did.

Harry was sure, he deserved everything that was happening to him. He brought it on himself. He fucked up every good thing in his life and now he didn't have anything to live for. He was useless, hopeless and alone. 

It was selfish to ask Louis to stay, even if he got the chance.

It was hot afternoon at the end of July when Anne came into his room.

"Hey honey, how are you feeling?" She asked, sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Alright." Was all Harry answered.

"Don't you want to come downstairs and eat with me?" Harry rolled his eyes, she did this every day.

"No mom, I'm not hungry." He said, burying his face in the pillow.

"Harry, you can't stay in this bed forever! You need to snap out of it. I know last couple of months have been hard for you but you can't spiral down this road, you need to get better."

"What fucking difference does it even make? Only thing I care about is gone."

"Harry, you have to learn to live for yourself, you can't just depend on someone else like that. I know it hurts baby, but you need to get past this."

"I don't want to get past it, Don't you get it? I want him to come back." 

"Things aren't always how we want them to be love, but we need to adapt and keep going, this isn't going to make anything better, stop torturing yourself and start living for yourself."

"How?" 

"Maybe you should move back to London, get a job, see a therapist. You can start there and everything else will sort itself out."

"What if it doesn't help?"

"Then you find some other way and keep going. I will always be here for you but you need to start living on your own, as much as I love having you here, you're not yourself. This is not healthy." She said, concerned.

"I'll think about it." Harry said after a pause.

"Alright love, now up, we're going down to eat." Harry didn't say anything, he got up and followed his mom downstairs. 

***

Louis liked his new job. By like he meant it was busy enough not to give him time to think, the only thing he had time for was a night out on Saturday and a day off on Sunday.

Ever since he moved to new York, he's been feeling like some other person, a variation of himself perhaps, but not quite him. He wasn't sure it was a good or a bad thing.

He hadn't been himself for years, living his routine, drinking and torturing himself with overthinking wasn't quite the life he hoped for as a child.

Living with Harry was a dream come true but somewhere along the way it became not worth it anymore. Sometimes he thought maybe they went too fast. Maybe he should have healed first before giving himself to another person. Maybe giving yourself to someone else to that extent was also not a good idea.

Sometimes he still woke up in the middle of the night with a painful longing in his heart he could do nothing about, so he just laid there in dark, biting his lip till it bled but never did he once consider feeding this hunger.

What he did was go out every Saturday and he drank and drank until everything was buzzing around him, then he'd find someone to go home with. Maybe if he fucked enough people he would forget the one he actually craved.

Louis was fine. Harry was always on the back of his head but he was just a deep scar on the background that kept opening up. It would heal eventually.

He started going to gym to keep his mind away from certain things, he hated it at first but after months it didn't even bother him anymore. He tried to go out, wander the city at night. He made a few friends even. The only thing he didn't do was go on dates, even though he had a few offers, it was way too soon.

So yeah, it was going better than he expected. He always put himself first nowadays, he needed it and didn't really have anyone important enough to put first.

He was productive, busy and even happy.

He was fine.

***

Harry took a deep breath and opened the door. The first thing he felt was a horrible smell, so much for welcome home. The flat was just as he left it five months ago. Comforter halfway slipped down from the couch, jacket messily dropped on the chair. 

He went to the kitchen to find the source of the smell. It was dishes and food that he'd left unsorted, like the rest of his life. He wondered, had his soul been able to physically rot, would It smell like that, too?

He opened all the windows and started to clean, why not start with the flat, he thought, at least he knew what needed to be clean there.

It was already night when he finished cleaning, he put the new sheets on the bed in the spare room, couldn't handle going into their room yet. he hadn't entered it whole day, afraid of ruining the last thing of Louis' he left untouched.

He had a job interview in the morning. And he was starting university next week. He felt anxious about it, most people didn't start it at the age of 22, he didn't want the questions that were inevitable, but he wouldn't let fear of triggers control his life anymore, he just couldn't.

Anne was right, he needed to get his life back together and move forward, and the only way of doing that was just driving right into it without overthinking.

He had been seeing a therapist for two months now, she lived in London, they started out with skype sessions, but he was going to meet her in two days, now that he was back in the city.

Everything was good. Well, as good as it could be for the time being.

 

***

 

Harry was sobbing on the floor of their bedroom. He had Louis favorite sweater on, that he left behind like most of his stuff, this red box for example, that was currently set on the floor in front of Harry with 113 letters inside that Louis had written to him and he couldn't bring himself to read anything but the first two words of the first letter: "Dear Harry" so he cried instead, letting his body get rid of the new wave of sadness brought by the past. No one would hear him anyway.

"Dear Harry,

It's been 64 days since they found your body and I still can't wrap my head around it. 

Whenever something fun or annoying happens my fingers itch to text you, or I see something and think, oh, Harry would love that, but I can't text you, or call you, or see you, ever again. I feel so fucking powerless. There is only one thing I want and I can never have it.

My mom says I need to cope with it, says I need to learn to live my life without you in it but it feels unfair to be happy in a world where you are nothing but a memory, a part of a past. You deserve someone to hurt this much for you.

Sometimes it just hits me, that you will never be able to see the next seasons of the shows you love, or that you will never see the sun rise after a night out, or you'll never learn how to ride a bike.

I remember how you always complained that you didn't know how to do it, because no one taught you properly, I used to think that I would teach you someday, but we never got to it somehow. I wish we had though, I can imagine so clearly the concentration on your face as I taught you, and the look of pure joy and accomplishment on your face after you would have finally learned it... There are so many things we put away for some other time, not realizing, that time may never come.

I try to be better, I know you'd want me to, I know I didn't really see you for a while before, but I know you, and you're the kindest and sweetest person I've ever met. I know you love me and want better for me than this.

But Harry, how do you move on from something this massive? It consumed my entire world and I just don't know how to breathe without this heaviness in my chest anymore.

I wish I just knew what happened, but sometimes I think maybe it's for the best that I don't, maybe if I see what you saw I will end up like you. Sometimes I think I already did, because if this life I'm stuck with, this life you left me with, isn't hell then I can't even imagine what is. 

I just wish I could hear your voice one more time.

Love, Louis."

Fuck, Harry thought, wiping his never ending tears with force. He opened another letter.

 

"Dear Harry,

I am drunk as fuck.

And I'm sad as fuck, and I miss you.

No matter what I do I just miss you so much and it's the only thing I can feel sometimes, it physically hurts and I want to rip my heart out, I wish I could.

Today I was at the club, getting drunk, as I do, and I met this guy.  
He was tall and had curly hair and green eyes and dimples. 

He looked so much like you H, that the first thought that went through my drunk head was, oh, there's Harry, I should go say hi and find out what he's doing here and then it hit me... We will never, ever meet by accident again.

I washed down my tears and lumps in my throat with more alcohol. I couldn't do anything but stare at the guy, so he misinterpreted it as anyone normal would and approached me to dance, I was drunk enough to make my mind go wild, imagine it was you.

I usually don't let myself do that, because I'm not too far from losing my mind as it is, and every small thing like that fucks with my head, but tonight I just gave into it.

When he kissed me I imagined it was you, I imagined your hands on my waist instead of his and when we were fucking in the filthy bathroom I thought of you. I wonder if you'd mind these thoughts of mine. Maybe, I don't know.

I feel so dirty, Harry, I wish I could cut my skin off just to get rid of this disgusting feeling. It was so stupid, a moment of weakness but it felt so good to let my mind forget, to let go for a few minutes, just to see myself from somebody else's perspective, just to get out of my head to realize the world I perceive isn't the only one.

Anyway... I know I'm not making any sense but what I wanted to say is, I love you, and I always will.

Louis"

 

"Dear Harry,

If fucking was a spot I would be a god damn Olympic champion. 

In past two months I probably fucked a few dozen people, I don't even remember one name. I was hitting on this guy today, he slapped me, apparently I had slept with him before, he was not very pleased that I forgot, so now I'm an asshole, too.

That's when I realized, maybe it's not really helping? This whole self destructive behavior, the drinking, the fucking, missing school, not caring about my job, isn't doing me any good. Just gives me a lot of hangovers and more shit to regret.

Sex is fine... but it feels so damn meaningless, I remember the time when even small kisses were more exciting than fucking 10 people is now. 

I don't know why I do it, it makes me feel so sad after, so dirty, last week I started crying during sex and the guy was so freaked out, he thought he hurt me or something, I told him my friend died recently, he didn't know what to say. People aren't always prepared with some deep quote or advice for loss, who would have guessed.

Not that I care, I don't think I'll ever see him again, if I do maybe he'll slap me too. Whatever, like anyone could ever hurt me like you did, anyway. I feel like I'm numb to most kinds of pain already.

Love you always,

Louis."

 

"Dear Harry,

You are an idiot, you are an absolute fucking idiot. How in the world did you think it'd be a good fucking idea to kill yourself you twat! 

If you were here, I'd kill you! Or punch the shit out of you, God I'm so fucking angry at you.

Like, yeah, fuck me, fuck your mom, fuck everyone who loved and cared for you all your life. Fuck us right? Who cares if we suffer, if it means you don't have to deal with your shit.

Boo fucking hoo, life got too hard for you to handle, well guess what, life sucks. It's unfair and messy and it gives no fucks. It's not obligated to.

It's so like you to destroy the fucking chess board the second you start losing. You were always such a sore fucking loser.

Well guess what? You fucked everyone up, I hope you see us from wherever you are and I hope it fucks with your head.

Fuck you Harry, we owe each other nothing now.

Sincerely, Louis."

Chuckle escaped Harry's mouth, it was such a Louis thing to do, get mad at your dead friend and write him a 'fuck you' letter. Maybe he should feel hurt but he just feels endeared. He knew Louis didn't mean it. They always used to yell at each other and talk shit, it was nothing new.

"Dear Harry,

I didn't mean it...

All that shit I said in the previous letter. I just miss you so much and it's frustrating that I can't do anything about it. 

I thought about burning that letter, then burning all letters, then burning myself but I decided against it, I still have no idea why.

It just feels so hopeless, the life without you is empty in a way I could never imagine it had the capacity to be.

Anyway. I'm sorry.

I miss you.

Love always, 

Louis."

 

"Dear Harry,

It's cold as fuck and yesterday I almost killed myself.

It's cold cause it's winter and I almost killed myself because tomorrow is your birthday.

I don't know H, I'm losing my shit. Nothing matters anymore, and I'm trying, I am, but it's hard to fight something that takes away your will to fight.

I had 47 pills and a bottle of vodka. Now I only have 47 pills.

Yesterday was hell. It was so god damn cold that it went through my bones and chilled my soul. Nothing seemed real. I decided that was it, just like that, I wasn't impulsive or angry or emotional, I was sad and all I could hear was this horrible silence. I was so calm H, it scares me just to remember that state. 

I was sitting at the table, pills and vodka lined up when I thought about how you never left a note, so I started writing letters to my mom and sisters and by the time I was done I was a fucking mess. 

I was ready but I couldn't do that to my family.

It made me think, if you had decided to leave the note back then, maybe you'd still be alive. Maybe that's why you didn't write anything. Maybe that's how badly you were scared to change your mind.

Love always,

Louis."

Harry was shocked. Louis never told him any of this, in fact he avoided talking about past like his life depended on it, changed the subject every time Harry asked anything, so eventually he just stopped asking.

"Dear Harry,

I'm tired. I'm tired of all of this. I feel like I'm throwing my life away. 

I haven't been doing so well lately.

I'm failing three classes, I missed work for five days in a row, all I do is drink and I haven't even left home this week.

I'm just thinking, what the fucking difference does it all make, you know? Wake up every morning, pretend to be alive, to be active, to live this shitty routine over and over and over again, like it is going somewhere.

I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I just can't wake up. Yesterday I noticed I don't really feel pain anymore so I have bruises all over my arm from trying. Maybe I am in fact a nightmare, nothing feels real anymore and to be honest I'm not sure I can trust my mind anymore.

I want to get away from this place, leave this city, country, this whole fucking world and just be free. Still I'm tied to this place with imaginary bonds and responsibilities. I convince myself, I can't fuck it up, I want to have a good future, make money, be a good professional, but what then? What happens one day if I just wake up with a fucking degree and a job that pays well and I still feel like this. What if I will still be throwing half of my money to get drunk just to forget this shitty state I'm stuck in.

Simple joys aren't simple anymore, they take effort and a whole lot of pretending. I am literally lying to myself that I feel joy. How fucked up is that.

So I'm tired.

I wish I could get away for a while to see my family, but I don't think I can handle going back home. Too much pain, too many memories.

I wish I could just put on some stupid movie, watch it with you and cuddle like we used to.

Sometimes I pretend that you're gone on a vacation somewhere exotic where there is no reception, or that we're in a fight and I'm waiting for you to come around, find me and just wrap your arms around me. You feel like home to me. Like a home I lost and can't get back.

I just wish you were here right now.

Love always,

Louis."

 

Harry couldn't handle reading anymore. He knew Louis wasn't doing well while he was gone, but reading his thoughts, row and present in that moment was painful. There was just so much he could read between the lines, so much Louis couldn't even handle to write. He could see now, how broken he had been, maybe still is.

He felt stupid for not realizing it when Louis was here, he would do so many things differently. He would be more patient and careful. He didn't realize just how real it was for Louis.

He imagined how he would feel if the roles were reversed, if he thought Louis was dead, living like that for years. 

It was so stupid... It was supposed to be easier. He was supposed to come back, sure, it couldn't have been fine from the start but they were supposed to be fine eventually, right? Get their happy ending. How could he fuck it up so badly that the guy, who loved him enough to sacrifice everything for him, didn't even want to see him now.

Their love was too much and so was their relationship. It has been like that from the start, they knew each other too well, there wouldn't be a first date and excitement of getting to know each other, so where would they start? They just jumped into it so fast. 

Louis was so fast to give up his emotions, his heart, his thoughts, his personality just to be with him and Harry just took it without question... But Louis didn't need to be scared or give anything up, all Harry wanted was to love him. That's all he ever needed, to be happy, just to be with him.

This couldn't be the end, could it?

He needs to fix this.


	5. Closure

Louis woke up with pounding in his head, trying to remember the reason. Memories of club lights flashing came back to him in seconds.

Right. Fridays.

He was in the middle of drinking that water he found on the nightstand, he didn't remember leaving there. He got up, startled going out of his room.

There was a man in his kitchen, sipping coffee. Right, he brought him home last night.

"Hey" the guy said.

"Hey" Louis said lazily.

"I hope you don't mind, I just can't function without coffee in the mornings."

"Yeah it's no problem mate, help yourself."

"You may think I'm really annoying but can I shower before I leave? I need to meet up with someone and I don't have any time to go home."

"It's no bother really, happens to the best of us. Spare towels are in the bathroom."

"Thanks, I'll be out of here before you know it."

"Sure" Louis said with a smile. The guy was cute.

Louis made himself a cup of coffee as he waited for the guy to shower. It really bugged him that he couldn't remember his name, he usually remembered for at least 12 hours.

There was a light knock on the door, Louis glanced at the clock, it was 1pm, he doesn't remember scheduling cleaning today, so someone probably had the wrong flat.

 

The second he opened the door he froze, everything started spinning, adrenaline rushing through his veins. No, no, no, he wasn't ready for it yet.

"Lou" Harry said like a plea "can I come in?" Louis stared at him for a few seconds, unable to form words from the air rapidly leaving his lungs.

"Sure" was all Louis could choke out after a while, leading Harry in. He sat on armchair, so Harry wouldn't sit next to him. He sat opposite Louis, intertwining his fingers.

"Sorry I came unannounced, but I know you wouldn't have spoken to me otherwise." Harry started "I think we need to talk, Lou, it's getting ridiculous, I just..." Harry was interrupted by the footsteps. Louis followed his gaze, biting his lip nervously.

There stood his hot one night stand, in the middle of the room. Logan, he remembered suddenly. He had towel hanging low on his hips and a few drops of water on his abbs. He looked very lost staring back at them.

"Sorry, Logan, this is my friend Harry, Harry, this is Logan." He saw Logan relax a bit. They awkwardly shook hands.

"Nice to meet you Harry" he smiled "I'll get dressed and head out" he said to Louis, going to bedroom.

The five minutes of silence was the most awkward moment of Louis' experienced in his life. Harry just sat there, looking at anything but him in a complete silence, as they waited for Logan to leave.

Once he was ready Louis led him to the door, he was halfway out when he suddenly turned around to pull him in a deep kiss. He said goodbye with a wink, leaving Louis speechless.

Louis turned around to meet Harry's wide eyes, he looked so betrayed. Harry looked away as soon as their eyes met. Guilt sank in Louis' heart on instinct, but suddenly he remembered he didn't have to feel it. 

Good, Louis thought when he observed Harry's upset face, let him feel just how real it is.

"Sorry, I didn't expect you'd have a company." Harry said, bitter. Louis didn't answer, just stared back "So you have a boyfriend?" Harry asked, gently pinching his arm.

"Harry, what did you want to talk about?" Louis asked, ignoring his question. Harry made a long pause, letting Louis come back to the armchair, once he was seated, he spoke again.

"I miss you, Lou..." He looked at his face, observing his expression.

"I miss you, too, Harry" Louis said with a tired voice "but that doesn't change anything."

"I know it doesn't..." Harry said "I... Um... I found your letters." He said, his body tense.

"What letters?" Louis asked confused, and then it hit him. "Oh my god, I didn't even remember those." He said hiding his face in his hands.

"It made me realize more, how wrong I've been... I can't apologize enough... I really fucked everything up" his face twisted in regret and sadness.

"Yeah, you did, but just being sorry doesn't change anything either... It's all just too messy." Louis looked at the floor.

"Fuck... I know Lou, but I will fix everything. We will, together, if you want to, all I'm asking is another chance." Harry said, looking at him hopefully, holding his breath while he waited for an answer "it's just bullshit... My life without you..." 

Louis was conflicted. He couldn't think about it right now, his head was spinning with the lethal mix of uncertainty, adrenaline and hangover. 

He tried to concentrate on the conversation and stay present, but his mind was drifting to past, making him remember some things. Unpleasant things.

"Why, what happened to the guy from the cafe?" He asked, raising his eyebrows as a sign of sarcastic empathy.

"What guy?" Louis rolled his eyes at Harry's confused tone.

"Please, don't tell me you fucked so many guys behind my back that you need to think about which one I'm talking about." Louis chuckled, crossing his arms.

"We talked about that, I never cheated on you... Don't be ridiculous, why would I ever cheat on YOU." Harry said, looking right in his eyes, the nerve.

"I saw you Harry... There's no denying it." Louis narrowed his eyes, looking at Harry, a little bit unsure now.

"You saw me fucking? Or kissing?" Harry asked patiently.

"No but..."

"There is no but, Lou, I met an old friend, that was it. You just saw me say goodbye and talk about some emotional stuff."

"If you said goodbye, then where were you hours after? Or what friend? I know all your old friends, they are my friends too, and I sure as fuck didn't recognize that man. And why would you lie and say you were at work, that doesn't make any sense to me." Louis said, frowning angrily.

"It was Ryan, okay?" Harry snapped. "That's why I didn't want to tell you" He added, annoyed. "He invited us to his wedding, for fuck's sake..." sigh. "And after that I needed to clear my head because we talked about some heavy shit, so I was just in a damn park, smoking and thinking... I would never cheat on you, that's the only thing that doesn't make sense, you're everything I ever wanted, why don't you get that?" Harry said, his voice braking in the end.

Oh... Louis thought, that makes sense. Harry was leaning forward, looking up at Louis, his hands were pressed against each other, touching his mouth like he was praying. Maybe he was. His gaze was asking for way too much, digging into Louis' soul for answers.

Louis looked away.

"That still doesn't change anything, Harry, that wasn't the reason why I left and you know it." 

"Yeah I do, it was just all too fast and confusing, neither of us were healed yet and it wasn't fair of us to bring all that shit into relationship. I fucked up Louis, but I'm not giving up on us, I'm not leaving this time." Harry said confidently.

"Harry, I can't think about it right now, I'm hangover and tired and I have shit to take care of..."

"That's fine" he said getting up "I'm in a hotel nearby" he wrote down the address on a price of paper, "text me whenever you're ready, I'll be here this entire week." 

"Alright" Louis said, following Harry to the door, he stopped before opening it. His mouth was ajar and he seemed hesitant.

Louis sighed.

"What is it?" He asked, tired. 

"May I get a hug?" Harry asked, speaking quietly, looking down. He was such a child, Louis smiled fondly, wrapping the taller boy in his arms, inhaling his scent. Harry sighed in relief, loud breath escaping his mouth the second their bodies touched.

Home, Louis thought.

 

***

As soon as Louis locked the door behind Harry the panic hit him. Okay, he needed to calm down.

He went to the kitchen to get some water, then he sat down, dialing his mom.

"Hey love" Jay answered.

"You promised..." Louis said.

"I'm sorry darling, but I thought it was the right time, a year is enough for you to sort yourself out, Harry has changed too, and he suffered a lot... You know he's like a son to me, I couldn't bear to watch him like that anymore. And honestly, we talked a lot and he convinced me..."

"I am your actual son, mom, and I specifically asked you not to tell him where I was... I wasn't ready... I... Fuck, what do I do?"

"Lou, honestly, I think you are meant to end up together... I thought it was the right time because I know you, had I not told him now, you'd probably stay there forever. Sometimes you go to extremes love, you know that... You just need to talk it out and decide what you're going to do. You did the right thing by leaving, now you maybe need to do the right thing by coming back."

"But I can't just come back mom, I'm not on a fucking vacation, I have a job and responsibilities and I...." Louis stopped "I'm scared" he whispered.

"Oh, I know darling, but I also know you can make it work. You're just made for each other."

"You didn't seem to be convinced in that when I told you we were breaking up... What changed?"

"Oh, I always knew, I was just being supportive, and that's what was necessary at a time."

"Maybe you're right... God... I don't know."

"Well, you think about that and call me once you sort it all out, will you?"

"Yeah, okay, love you Mom."

"Love you, too, kiddo."

 

Louis folded himself in two, putting his head on his knees, he groaned loudly. He didn't want to think about it.

***

Louis had a big decision to make.

Decisions were fine. If Louis was good at something, it was avoiding them. That's why he was on his third shot of vodka for the night, swaying out of the rhythm of music.

 

Seeing Harry, really fucked him up. He was doing so good, at least he thought so. He couldn't fall back into dysfunctional relationship, could he? That's why he left, to learn to be a person without Harry, without anyone, really.

And he had learned to be content with just himself. As much as he still loved Harry, he realized, he could get over him... Eventually... Maybe... This wasn't some fucking fairytale. He survived hell, he could survive a break up.

But the thing wasn't that he couldn't get over Harry, he just didn't want to. Harry felt like heaven to him.

The forth shot went down his throat, making him cringe at the taste.

Why now? Why did he had to come back now, when he finally got his shit together.

Fifth shot.

He needed just a year or so, and he could go back home and be civil with Harry. Why now? Fuck.

Sixth.

Why was he fighting it? Why wasn't he just going to him? that's the only thing he wanted.  
Right, because he loved him too much and lost himself because of it. Ridiculous.

Seventh.

Louis was good now, right? Isn't that what he moved all the way across the fucking world for? He spent a year working on being his own person, on finding joys of life, so why couldn't he go back to Harry and be happy now?

Eight.

Harry seemed thiner. He lost some weight, but he looks well put together. Harry looks more mature. Has it only been a year? It felt like a century. He was so beautiful, his baby.

What was he still doing here when he could be in Harry's arms right now?! 

He put the ninth empty shot down on the bar and fished out a small paper that Harry gave him.

He closed the cab door, telling driver the address.

Just don't pass out, don't pass out. He told himself as he tried to make his eyes stay open.

***

Harry was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth when he heard a loud bang on the door. He put down his toothbrush to go and look.

He opened the door, making the figure leaning on it fall on him.

"Lou? Oh my god" he tried not to fall himself, pulling Louis in his arms and carrying him to bed.

He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, then went back to close the door.

"Louis... why?" He asked, unfazed.

"Why not?" Louis said, trying to take his coat off while still laying. Harry crawled on the bed, standing on his knees, he helped Louis get his coat and shoes off, and tried piling up pillows at his back to make him sit up.

Suddenly Louis put his arms around his waist, making Harry fall on top of him. For someone who couldn't stand straight he had a lot of strength. Their lips collided, moving slowly against each other. Harry's mind went blank, relaxing in Louis' arms. 

Their lips crushed against each other, it was rough and passionate, making Harry's body shake with anticipation.

Louis was the drunk one, but Harry's head was spinning like crazy. Wait, Louis was drunk.

Harry pulled away, making Louis look up at him like a child that just dropped his ice cream.

"Where'd you go baby?" Louis said, making grabby hands at him, impatiently.

"Louis, no, you're drunk... I can't... Not like this." Harry got up, standing at the edge of the bed.

"No, no, no Harry, please, I want you." Louis tried to get up.

"Don't get up babe, You're too drunk, how are you even conscious? God..." Louis moved closer to Harry their noses touching.

"Come on babe, you're so hot, oh my god" he looked him up and down, biting his lip. "I missed you so much" he slid his hands around Harry's waist, slowly, then kissed down Harry's neck, his movements heavy, sucking on his skin the way that he knew would drive Harry crazy.

"Louis no, I won't take advantage of you like that." Harry said, moaning when Louis bit down on his collarbone. He took a few steps back, trying not to give into the temptation.

"Louis, no, stop." Louis stopped, standing on his knees on the edge of the bed, looking at him with a frown. "I just can't handle it if you regret it tomorrow, okay? It's been messy enough." Louis looked down, carefully thinking for a few seconds.

"Do you honestly think I ever had a choice, H?" He asked genuinely curious.

"What?" Harry asked as Louis approached him again, standing in front of him, gently cupping his cheek.

"We were made for each other baby, I will always find my way back to you."

"So you won't like... Leave me tomorrow?" Harry said, holding his breath. A soft chuckle escaped Louis' mouth. He didn't seem so drunk anymore.

"Of course not baby, I love you" he said, sliding his hand down to squeeze his cock, making him close his eyes with pleasure. "Now, tell me you don't want it and I'll leave you alone." Harry let out a loud, desperate breath "that's what I thought. Just relax baby, let me take care of you." Louis pulled down Harry's sweatpants and underwear, started to slowly stroke his cock.

"Feels good doesn't it?" He whispered against Harry's mouth. "Remember only I know exactly what you need baby." 

Harry was so confused and taken aback by Louis sudden decision to show up... He felt so overwhelmed by emotions and doubts that he wanted to cry, but he couldn't even think about anything while Louis was sucking his cock like it was the most delicious thing he ever tasted, making him roll his eyes in pleasure. 

He loved it when Louis took control, he knew exactly how to love Harry.

"Bed" Louis said, kissing his thigh on the way up "lay on your belly for me baby" he said sweetly, stroking his side. 

Harry stumbled to the bed, laying down, he waited a few seconds before feeling Louis spread his cheeks, licking a fat stripe right next to his hole, making his body tremble from pleasure. He licked around, taking his time, teasing Harry before he was near tears. 

He slid his fingers to Harry's mouth, feeling his lips for a few seconds before Harry took them in his mouth, sucking eagerly.

After Louis was satisfied, he pulled his fingers back, carfully putting both of them in his hole. The mix of pain and pleasure ran down Harry's spine, making tears drop from his eyes. 

Harry's moans were muffled by pillow as Louis fingered him, being perfectly in between rough and careful, while sucking and licking his hole.

"Shh baby, everything's fine, I'm here now, it's alright" he said, making Harry relax instantly as he pulled back, getting up.

"I'm going to fuck you now" he said, getting off the floor as he observed him, making sure he was okay with it.

Harry breathed out loudly when he finally felt the tip of Louis' cock line up against his hole, pushing in impossibly slow. He tried to push back but Louis held him in place.

"Please Lou" he begged, tears dropping down his cheeks "please move baby, I need you so badly."

Louis started moving, picking up the pace, holding onto Harry from behind. Everything felt so surreal as he slammed into him, making him moan and cry from pleasure.

Harry came embarrassingly fast, his vision going blurry, his body twitching with waves of pleasure, Louis was right behind him in seconds, filling Harry with his come.

He laid down on the bed and pulled Harry on top of him, cupping his cheek. He placed soft kisses all over his face, ending with a sweet kiss on the lips.

"I love you so much, my pretty baby, I'm never letting you go again." he answered Harry's unsaid doubts, wiping away traces of tears from his face.

***

Louis knew he fucked up before he opened his eyes. He shouldn't have done it like that, drunk sex didn't solve anything.

He felt the body wrapped tightly around him. Louis didn't want to open his eyes, trying to give himself a few more seconds to think.

"I know you're awake" Harry said, kissing his nose softly. Louis had no choice but to open his eyes, smile spreading all over his face instantly.

Harry was on top of him, their faces almost touching, he could see every eyelash on his eyes, the light was making his curls illuminate like a halo. He was hesitantly smiling down at him.

"Hey baby" he whisper, kissing his lips tenderly.

"Hey, love" Louis said, kissing his nose in return.

Harry put his head on Louis' chest, content, breathing in his scent. 

"I missed this" he admitted "waking up with you"

"Yeah" Louis said, sliding his hand in his curls "me too baby." Maybe this wasn't so bad after all, Louis thought.

"So you um... Want to talk about it?" Harry suggested after a while, not moving from his position, or looking at him. He was just drawing small circles on Louis' ribs with his fingertips.

"Sure um..." Louis sighed "I don't know what to say honestly, I can't say it was a mistake, it couldn't have been... It feels too right." Louis paused "but I don't think me doing this was fair, making promises and all." Harry finally looked at him.

"You don't think you can keep them?" Harry asked, unusually calm.

"No, I just think it's not that simple."

"Yeah... I know." Harry said, putting his chin on Louis chest "but I don't want to give up on us Lou, I want to fix it, I want to be with you."

"I want that too... But we can't jump back into it like we did the first time, we just need to take one step at a time."

"Yeah, you're right." Harry said, looking away.

"So... Do you want to go on a date with me?" 

"Really?" Harry looked back at him.

"Yeah, why are you surprised?" He asked and fondly chuckled, brushing away curls from his forehead.

"What about your boyfriend or whatever." Harry said bitterly.

"What boyfriend?" Louis asked, frowning.

"That guy at your flat, Logan or whatever."

"Just a one night stand." Louis said after a small pause.

"Oh. Were there many of those?" Harry asked, seemingly unemotional.

"Yeah" Louis answered with an apologetic face. "Does that bother you?"

"No, that's fine. I get it..."

"I mean, I'm sure you hooked up with people too..." Louis said.

"Not really, no" Harry said "but it's fine, it's not like you cheated on me, we weren't together" his face was sad and Louis felt guilty, which was ridiculous and stupid.

"Still feels kinda shitty." He said, looking away.

"Yeah it does." Harry agreed "BUT" he made Louis look at him "non of that matters now, okay? I don't care about anything or anyone as long as I got you." Louis smiled and kissed his lips.

***

Louis was standing in the airport, trying not to think about the last time he was here.

It's been six months after they got back together and Louis finally managed to manipulate his boss into promoting him and asking him to come back to London. He felt satisfied.

Harry was standing at the entrance, flowers in his hands and a huge smile on his face, what a sap, Louis thought fondly.

They went on three dates while Harry was in new York, it felt a lot like starting to date someone new but also nothing like it. It was more stressful for sure, both of them desperately trying not to say anything wrong. By the third date they were relaxed enough to start working out their problems.

Harry also visited for a month in August, he was going to rent the flat so he wasn't rushing things by moving in with Louis for a month, but after three days they realized it would be stupid and inconvenient, a waste of money, Harry would be with Louis all the time anyway.

Other than that it was daily video calls and countless texts. Distance was good for them, giving them enough space to concentrate on themselves, while learning to have each other in their lives again.

Louis was supposed to move back in their flat, now that he was back and he was a little anxious. It's Harry, he tried to remind himself.

Harry that put him through so much, hurt him over and over and over again until it destroyed him. But also Harry who was the main reason of his smile since the day he was born, his kind, sweet boy who he loved to death, who heard him before he even said anything. Who was willing to do anything to make it work, who made him feel loved, like he was the most special person in the world.

He smiled as his boy kissed him before pulled him in his arms, eyes already tearing up.

"Baby I missed you, oh my God, can't believe you're finally here!" He cupped his face, observing him closely. "My beautiful baby" he said, kissing his forehead. "Come on, let's get you home."

"I am home." Louis said, looking up at the love of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, can't believe it's finished.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed it, thank you so much for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated.
> 
> If you have any questions, criticism or opinions I'd love to hear them.
> 
> P.s. I have two other depressing fics that are finished, if you're interested.
> 
> Have a great day.
> 
> Love, N.


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